Saturday, August 18, 2012

No Voice

I think I have lost my voice. No, not in the physical sense. But metaphorically.
Perhaps it is the transition into retirement. I think for the past 13 years I have had a teacher voice. For the past 27 a mother's voice. For the past 35 a wife's voice. For the past 56 a sister's voice. Through it all, at times, a friend's voice.

But lately, I feel, well, silent.

It's not that I don't like to converse, or want to converse, but it is more like I have lost the desire to converse. I am quite cotent to listen, and respond, but I find myself not initiating conversation.

I realize I have been in social situations lately where this could be construed as rudeness, or indifference, or even snobbery. It isn't. I just don't want to talk. Especially not small talk.

I know, I know, small talk is kind of like dogs sniffing at each other when they meet. It is a way to sense friend or foe and to find common ground. I just find it difficult and wish we could just leap into the real stuff.

Except I don't know what the 'real' stuff is for me anymore.

And when I do start to have 'real' conversations I find myself tearing up.

Maybe that is why I don't have a voice right now. Because if I did it would be a sad one, and that isn't very social, is it?

I am not political. I am not an academic. I no longer seem to be an activist. I am a simple woman, trying to make her way and trying to do her best. But, I don't want to do it making small talk, and I don't seem to have the energy for the 'big' talks.

So until I can find my voice I think I just have to listen. Or be quiet.

Now, there's a thought.

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