I can 't find my darning needle

 I haven't posted for almost six weeks.  Where, indeed, does the time go? 

Well, for the past month I have been looking for my favourite darning needle.  I have had that needle for grafting toes on socks and weaving in the ends after finishing a knitting project FOREVER. 

And suddenly, between one sock and the next it was gone.  

Oh, I have looked for it:

Between the couch cushions

Under the couch

Beside the couch

On the rug in front of my couch 

Under the rug in front of my couch 

In my knitting basket

On the tea table

On the coffee table 

Under the coffee table

In my craft room

In my bedroom

EVERYWHERE

And it is gone. 

And it makes me very, very sad.  

Oh, and I have gone through that list multiple times, even as recently as yesterday. 

I have lost it.  This is my fault. 

I can't let it go. 

Of course I have found two other darning needles in my sewing cabinet, but....one is too fat and the other is too thin.  Mine was perfect. 

I do this. 

I dwell on inconsequential things I have lost.

I have some inherent belief that if I find the lost things then all will be right with my world. 

This is magical thinking. 

I dwell on the little things I have lost so I don't have to dwell on the big things I have lost that will never be found like ..... Trust......Love.....my Father....my big sister....my health....my youth.

So ya, I haven't been posting. 

I have been knitting endless test knits for a competition coming up next year. 

I have been editing my novel(s) and will have two for sale at a craft fair this coming Thursday as well as one going into the library system this Friday. (including an evening soiree for the launch).

I have been applying for (and getting) work at HOpe Centre as a peer support worker. 

I have been singing in the church choir.

I have been learning the art of Chi-walking. 

and there has been shopping and cooking, laundry and dusting. (okay, okay, not dusting, not really)

So life moves along and there are some good things happening. 

But still

I have lost my darning needle, and my diamond stud earring (that was a year ago, but I keep looking).

Saturday I tore my house apart looking for my wedding album.  After searching four rooms I finally found it.  I wept because I also found some things that just made me sad. 

And to be honest - unappreciated. 

But that is another post, for another day. 

Today?

Today I will go for a swim, tidy the kitchen, sweep the floors and probably do another search for the darning needle. 

Because if I can find it that I will know that all will be made right in my world. 

Or at least I will have my trusted needles to graft the toe of the socks I am about to finish. 

Longest Labour Ever - Introducing White Rabbit

Link to Amazon here

She is here.  Out in the world taking her first breaths.

It was conceived as a challenge accepted in November of 2015 - to write a novel of a minimum of 50,000 words.

Then editing.

And putting it away.

And pulling it out. 

And re-editing. 

Finally by the summer of 2018 to start to hand it out to beta readers. 

And to edit again. 

And to put it in the drawer again. 

Finally in the late summer of 2021 to be encouraged to just do it. 

And I did.  

In early September I tackled setting up an account with Kindle Direct Publishing. 

I navigated the forms, the tax implications, the formatting.  Oh, the formatting. 

And editing, Over and over. (Editors deserve our respect is all I can say).

Then on October 6, 2021 with my heart in my throat I phoned my sister. 

All I had to do was press the button. 

She and I held our collective breaths and I pressed PUBLISH.

Then I had to wait a few hours for Amazon to accept my novel...my baby. 

Almost six years from start to finish.  I have read and re-read this novel dozens of times and still there are parts of it that make me cry even though I know how it turns out in the end. 

The premise is fictional, but many of the chapters are my stories to tell, and now I have told them.

If you are interested in purchasing that would be great. 

If not, that is okay too. 

Just be kind.  She is mine and I love her.  I am being brave. Depression lies.  I want the world to know that and if one other person sees themselves in the pages, and finds some solace, or acknowledgement, or recognition or hope then I have succeeded. 

White Rabbit

by Mary-Anne Burton Taylor

published October 2021

Yopping Update #31 - Fighting dragons - literally and figuratively

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Well it has been a week.  

I started Tahesha the Dragon on my gansey, and although it is slow going, and there has been some tinking back, and some math complications, I am happy to have got to row 25.  Only 73 more to go!

my first ever icord cables with provisional cast-on

My gansey is taking all my knitting time these days. 

I have done a wee bit of spinning, but nothing much to show for it, however my beekeeping combs are working well for combing out the locks before spinning.  

Speaking of these days, I had quite a sharp dip in my mental health earlier in the week, but by Friday I was slowly pulling up and out.  Depression and anxiety are the two dragons I battle almost daily.  Today I feel like I might be winning.  Yesterday was a good day from start to finish which is stupendous for me. 

I did a fair bit of retail therapy again this week.  I did order a knitting belt and some long dpns.  I am looking forward to trying them.  Knitting my gansey on two circs (2.25mm) does cramp up my hands a bit and knitting belts are suppose to help alleviate such things.  We shall see.  It is always fun to try new things (I keep telling myself). 

I ordered a new scale for weighing my projects.  The one I have is very old and sometimes turns on, and sometimes doesn't, and sometimes turns on and then promptly turns off.  I am relegating it to the kitchen as hubby often wants to borrow my scale when he is cooking so he can deal with the on/off issues and I won't be worrying the scale I am using is covered with flour, or something sticky. 

I also order four skeins of hemp to make some more doubleknitted kitchen pot-holders.  I am going to make another KnitPicks order as soon as white Brava Sport is back in stock.  I decided my tree skirt will be red and white so I need more of each colour, and also I will throw in more sock yarn just because (and to get the free shipping).

On Friday an antique popped up on facebook marketplace and, well, to make a long story short - look what I brought home yesterday. 

inside

outside

open

top - opened

It is a sewing machine case for a treadle Singer sewing machine.  It is over 100 years old and, well, it was love at first sight.  I have my Mum's Singer and I think it will fit in there, but for now I am using it to store spinning supplies.

I reorganized my knitting magazines the other day, and culled a few to give away.  I also donated some sock needles and sock pattern books to a one room school north of here.  My friend teaches there and her students want to learn to knit socks. 

So despite all my buying, I am also trying to keep decluttering too and anyways now I have new furniture in my craft room I have to make sure things all have a place!

I did get out on Tuesday for a very long bird walk.  I manage 9 km, which meant that the next day with a short 2.5 km walk I finally finished this:

Ta-Da!

Now any kilometers I log go towards my next challenge of walking the distance of the Kruger Safari Park in Africa.  These Conqueror Challenges keep me motivated and the medals you receive are pretty awesome.  I will post a picture when the Ring Road medal arrives. 

It is rainy here today - the first in a while, and we are expecting snow later tonight or tomorrow.  We have all our groceries in as of yesterday, and there is firewood in the carport so I suspect today I will be nestled on the couch, watching 'The Good Place', and wrestling with a dragon or too. 

I hope, dear readers, you will tame whatever dragons you are wrestling with these days. 

These days are not easy, but they are the days we have and I am working hard at being grateful for all I do have.

Like this:

spring daffodils

And these:

six wooden bird buttons that came with my knitting magazine

And of course, this:

Swimming for my life

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Can you see me?  June 2021

I am back in the pool.  Since July 13th I have been back in the pool.  I am now doubly vaccinated so I am back in the pool! I hadn't been in the pool since the first week of March 2020 when all hell broke loose and everything was shut down.  Remember March 2020?  Things were going to shut down for two weeks.  Two weeks!  And we all know how that turned out.

I managed 46 lengths my first day back.  That is 1150 metres.  (There was a swim suit malfunction, but I remedied this by changing suits the second time around.) The pool lets you book 45 minute sessions.  It took me a while to figure out the system of booking, and until I figured it out there were many times not available.  The pool allows thirty swimmers to book - up to a maximum of five swimmers per lane.  I have put my name on the waitlist a few times, and twice I have been successful taking a spot that someone else couldn't make. 

Most days there are only two to three of us in the 'medium' speed lane.  I feel very safe there.  I arrive ready to swim, and after 45 minutes I wrap myself in a big towel and drive home for my shower.  I have managed three swims a week since July 13th, and I am booked up until August 7th.  My son is coming to visit and I have booked him to swim with me too.  That will be awesome!

The last two times I have made 54 lengths in the 45 minutes.  It feels so good to practice my 'Total Immersion' swimming techniques and to feel strong in my strokes.  My arm is feeling good too.  No problem with the rotator cuff injury that plagued me through 2019 and 2020. 

I did manage to get in the ocean a few times since March 2020.  I went in on my birthday in October 2020 to celebrate turning 65, I plunged in on January 1, 2021 to celebrate the new year, and I swam twice in June - really swimming - not just running in and out as I did in October and January!

Anyone who reads this blog know that swimming is my life line.  Quite literally I swim for my life.  Swimming brings me peace and a momentary break from anxiety. For the 45 minutes I swim it is just me and the water and my strokes. Stroke, stroke, stroke, breathe.  Stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke, breathe.  And as I repeat the three strokes breathe, five strokes breathe rhythm I also say the 'Total Immersion' mantra to myself: Head down, Wide Tracks, Low Target, Patient Hand.  This mantra won't mean anything to anyone who isn't familiar with Total Immersion swimming, but it means a lot to me.  I have missed my long swims so much, and I feel with each session in the pool I am gaining some equilibrium with my mental health. 

We are going camping in a few weeks.  There will be a lake.  I have my swim buddy so I can safely go for some long swims and my dh will be able to spot me from shore.  I can't wait. 

I just read a post I wrote about my swimming from 2014.  You can check it out here, too. 

Oh, and by the way - I am still swimming upstream and sailing into the wind.

Yopping Update #3 - spinning and swimming and knitting too

 

First up this week is a finish!

Strandwanderer scarf

This meant having NOTHING on my needles for two whole days, so I turned all my attention to finishing this endless spin.  I divided my remaining fibre into equal(ish) portions so I would be finished by today 

However, yesterday I was in a mood, and decided just to spin and spin and spin.  I finished all the fibre and then plied it all.  Today I will get it on the niddy-noddy and measure it so I can post my final amounts in my Tour de Fleece group.  Today is the last day of the tour - stay tuned next week for my totals. 

3 full bobbins of 2ply handspun

My wool order hasn't arrived yet so I decided to cast on some gansey fingerless mitts.  I changed the cast-on and cuff but the pattern and thumb gusset are Beth's.

pattern by Beth Brown-Reinsel

Hopefully the Knit Picks order will arrive next week as I am itching to cast on some socks. I am going to start picking colours for my Advent socks - maybe even today!

There were lots of firsts this week.  I went into Winners and bought some pjs and capri pants.  This is my first time shopping in person since March 2020.  (I also bought some salt and vinegar potato chips - just sayin!)

On Tuesday I went for a swim at the pool.  You have to book in advance so they limit the number of lane swimmers, and no change rooms are open so you arrive ready to swim, and then after the allotted forty-five minutes you go home to shower and change.  It was amazing.  I swam and swam and swam for a total of 1100 metres.  Then I went on Thursday (and also this morning) to do it all over again.  It feels so great to be back in the pool.  I have missed it so much.  I even went into the ocean for a short swim on Wednesday - (my dh knew it was what I needed to boost my mood - smart man).

With all that swimming I did some more on-line shopping and ordered a new swim top and swim capris for ocean swimming.  I hope to swim well into the fall and think the long sleeve and long legged swim suit will be useful.  Maybe I will even swim through the winter.  Stranger things have happened. 

The weather has been much cooler this past week, but I haven't done much walking because my back (and my mood) has been on the fritz!  As my mother used to say "This too shall pass", and I am sure it will, but there have been some low days this past week - back pain takes the fun out of just about everything!

Yesterday I managed to do a small repair on my car by changing the bulb for the turn signal.  On Friday I tried but gave up, and then yesterday I managed it in less than five minutes.  Oh, the difference a day can make!

I was up early to swim on Thursday and the sky was so beautiful. 

Mother Nature doing her best to cheer me up

And then, of course, pictures like this always make me smile.

best friends

Until next week - happy crafting to all you yoppers out there, and to all my dear readers thanks for the comments and may your week have beautiful views and time with friends and family.  

Oh yes, and another first - I bought an ice cream cone yesterday.  So good!

If you want to subscribe to this blog you can go to Bloglovin  It is a great site where you can subscribe to any blog you want and when there is a new post it will be emailed to you.   You can find Breathing Life at https://mary-mann.blogspot.com

Yopping Update #42 - I NEED more stitch markers

Here I sit drinking BLACK coffee.  I ran out of milk yesterday and we won't get groceries until Tuesday afternoon.  I can do this. Right?  I added some collagen powder to the BLACK coffee - that is how desperate I am people.

Now, back to real problems.  I NEED more stitch markers.  Anyone that has been following my blog may remember a post I wrote years ago about my, ahem shall we say, 'problem' with stitch markers.
You can read about it here.

Anyways....I was working this week on getting caught up on the Wrapped in Jamie CAL and as a very newbie crocheter I was using a fair number of stitch markers to keep track of things - and for the most part I had enough.  Then this happened:

56 stitch markers!

Now as you can see I clearly had enough stitch markers - but I find the french pins don't slide in and out of the stitch as easily as the plastic ones.  So, already having a bad mental health day on April 14th (I think that was last Tuesday), I sent this text to my sister -

I think her response might be (by some) considered enabling behaviour

It may seem funny now (not), and clearly I meant to type gonna instead of goona, but I was in quite a state at the time.  I was also going to write a blog post this week called  - Fuck being brave, but as my uncle used to say - calmer heads prevailed.

So it has been that kind of a week.

Crocheting got done:

square 7 - The Duel

Scars - Square 8

Square 9 - Rebekkah
Border also done - but too lazy to take another picture

Pattern 10 is being released  at the end of the month - so I played around a little with the placement of the first nine squares:

There was some spinning and plying too:

50 meters
good colour for my one of the three kings I think

My sourdough starter took off

so I took out some discard and re-fed it.  My scottish heritage wouldn't let me throw out the discard so I made some yummy sourdough/cornmeal/blueberry/raspberry muffins.

I had nothing on my needles - and although the wool has been shipped for my daughter's sweater it hasn't arrived yet.  But my dear sister came to the rescue and this arrived by expedited post.

her son wants Victor the Viking for his car's antennae

which I have already made some progress on:

can we say labour of love?

There was a few zoom meetings, and even a zoom karaoke night which was silly fun and finally put a smile on my face.  Earlier in the day my twelve step group had a zoom meeting that took about 30 minutes for us all to get in and sorted.  I joked that now we all REALLY needed the meeting - and it was good to decompress surrounded by supporting friends.

I did get around to finishing the edits on my novel - now to finalize the formatting and then we shall see what comes next.  I am seriously thinking of just self-publishing as an ebook to get it out into the world.  But, as I said, we shall see.

We got an order of meat and dry goods on Friday, and on Tuesday we will put in an order for some fresh vegetable, fruit, and MILK!.  God help me - two more mornings of BLACK coffee.

We had a lovely whatsapp video chat with our daughter this morning.  Our grand-daughter kept pointing at us saying YOU!  Too cute.  She calls me Baku and my dh is Paku.  We love those names.

I finished the Neil Gaiman book, Anansi Boys, and I really enjoyed it.  Now I am starting The Last Station, by Jay Parini.  It is a novel about Tolstoy's Final Year.  I want to read the book before I see the movie.

I have been watching 800 Words on Acorn TV and enjoying it very much.  Low key drama about a father and two teenagers who move to New Zealand from Australia after the mom dies.  Lots of quirky locals to contend with, and beautiful scenery too.

Take care, dear readers, and don't bother suggesting solutions for my stitch marker addiction.  I know, I know admitting you have a problem is the first step.

no problems here!

Yopping Update #17

A quick update today.  I am feeling off and typing seems to be making me nauseous. 
For those that read my last post I have taken a number of small steps.  I went to the doctor, I made a physio appointment for my hip, the doctor sent me for an xray of said hip and I am waiting on results.  I contacted my counsellor and made an appointment for early November and the doctor and I have agreed to up my anti-depressant medication (this may be the nausea issue).  Anyways, I am moving forward small steps. 

I finished my hat and took these not so great selfies. 

brim down

brim up

It came in very handy on Friday as it was a very blustery day over at my Croatian teacher's house!  Ferries were cancelled and they even closed Stanley Park for fear of falling trees.  At my house there was barely a whisper of a breeze - I guess that is what comes from living in a valley. 

I worked a bit on Monday and Tuesday - check
Pool  on Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday - check
Massage Thursday - check
Doctor Monday and Thursday - check and check
Hope Centre support group Thursday - check.
Tai Chi lesson Friday - check
Croatian lesson Friday - check
CoDa meeting Saturday - check

I helped my husband cook a turkey dinner last night for my son, brother and a dear friend.  A little late Thanksgiving dinner which was yummy and now we have leftovers for a few days.

I have knit all the pieces for the little sloth except two toes and his nose!   Next week I should have him all sewn up to show you. 

And then I think I should get back to Advent knitting since November is almost upon me.

I am going to go try and nap now.  I tried this morning to no avail and so went to the pool instead and just got home.  It is sunny out and the leaves need more raking - but that will have to wait. 

To follow other yoppers check out their links to the right of this post. 

And don't forget - next week - our clocks go back. 

Can't leave you without sharing this pic of my now 10 month old grand-daughter using a spoon (sort of).

Going nowhere fast

Maybe it is the incessant rain.  Maybe it is the pain in my hip and back.  Maybe it is the constant itching of a spot on my leg.  Whatever it is I am going nowhere fast.  And by nowhere I mean down.

I know that depression lies.  I know I have much to be thankful for.

I just can't see it right now. 

Eating isn't much fun these days.  I have a gnawing pain that comes and goes in my stomach.  I am getting to the pool almost every day and that is, as always, a saving grace. 

My son is here and we are spending time together, playing board games and card games, but still, and all, I am feeling flat.  Actually lower that flat.

I am working a bit this week, but I feel like a fraud.  Who am I to tell another teacher how to better handle a class of unruly children?  I can not handle my own unruly self. 

I keep looking out the window.  The sun is shining and the chestnut tree across the street is a riot of orange and yellow. 

Still, and all, I am not feeling it. 

I should get out in the sunshiine.  I should walk in the fall leaves.  I should eat something besides the banana I had an hour ago. 

I did the dishes.  I made the bed.  I will get dressed after I finish writing this because I do have to go to work in an hour and the school is not ready to see me in my pajamas. 

I did get my handouts ready to mail off to the administration for the courses I am teaching in November. 

I am getting some things done.  But still the dust bunnies are mocking me, as are the spider webs in the corner of the bathroom, and what the fuck is up with the itchy spot on my leg?

I saw the doctor yesterday for a flu shot, and I should have told her about how I was in a downward spiral, but I didn't. 

I did make an appointment for Thursday to talk to her so I have taken hold of myself to some degree. 

I do have a physio appointment tomorrow for my hip and back, and so I can tell myself I am not a lazy poo-head and that I am not giving in to giving up. 

Still, and all, it is a hard fall.  I mean that literally and metaphorically. 

I have a book entitled Learning to Fall. 

You would think after all this time I would be better at it. 

Yopping Update #9 - Progressing

Sometimes progress is made by going slower, or perhaps by stopping altogether.

By Wednesday this week I was in a full blown funk.  I have one dear friend who is undergoing chemo, another who is, as his wife told me, "Living for the end" and yet another who died early Wednesday far too young.  I was sitting in traffic, staring out the window thinking hard about life and what the point was to it all. 

There is some irony to how I was feeling on Wednesday afternoon, because the previous Sunday I had the most glorious day.  After a long nap my husband and I went down to the waterfront quay for lunch and afterwards we headed outside to listen to this wonderful singer/songwriter named Liam Sturgess. 

It was a perfect afternoon.  The sun was shining, there was a soft ocean breeze and as we sat holding hands I felt so peaceful and loved.  There were little ones dancing (two dressed like little princesses) and other ones trying out their first steps to the delight of all of us that had the fortune to be watching. 

Driving home I noticed all the cones on the fir trees and everything seemed so bright and possible.

An hour later I sat spinning some fibre while my husband made dinner.  It was peaceful until I realized that I could only see sparkly lines out of my left eye which means a migraine is fast approaching.  Fu#K! 

The melancholic in me then put off the beautiful afternoon to the euphoria I get prior to getting a migraine.  Still and all it had been a perfect afternoon. 

So barely three days later the clouds had descended and I was once again understanding why someone might take their own life.   Since the previous Saturday I had been noticing and triggered by people that cavalierly use phrases like - "I wanted to blow my brains out", or "slit your wrists already".  To be clear, dear readers, I was not wanting to take my own life but I could completely understand how another could come to that decision.

I had been thinking that we all should be more careful of our language and phrases like that should be  put away as not suitable in conversations anymore.  Like other phrases that many of us used to use in everyday conversation, and are no longer politically correct, I was reflecting that these phrases that refer to taking one's own life should stop. Even two days ago I was at the pool and noticed everyone at the pool was looking towards the 3 meter board where a young boy was standing at the edge deciding whether he had the courage to jump or not.  I gather he had been there some time and many in the pool had started to chant "jump. jump. jump."  It was very triggering for me and I silently thanked his bravery when he finally turned around and went down the ladder.  I then watched him walk to the one meter board, give a shrug, shake his head and dive into the pool.  "One day, young man, one day you will be brave enough to tackle the 3 meter board.  Today was just not that day."

On the heels of those triggers I came to realize that I was being triggered by social media and how many people post all their happy holiday moments, beautiful family moments, pictures of their lastest restaurant, or home-cooked, meal and I seemed to be endlessly scrolling through instagram and facebook comparing my life to theirs.   It also seemed that I was easily falling into the rabbit hole and spending too much time checking the feed.  So I decided to remove those two apps from my phone.  I also cleaned up my facebook feed and unfollowed many of the pages I had 'liked' because it seemed that my feed was full of their posts and I wasn't seeing anything from the close family and friends I do like to follow on facebook.  I still can check facebook on my laptop, and I am happy that my feed is now more personal and satisfying.  On the heels of that my husband and I watched a netflix documentary on Cambridge Analytica called The Great Hack and how that company used data they had mined from fb and other social media sites to convince the 'persuadables' to vote for Trump in the last election.  It was chilling and made me scrub some of my personal data from my facebook profile.  I already know not to answer personality and other quizzes via fb because they are just data mining apps.  (I don't need to know what dog I most look like, or which actor I most resemble.)

So since Wednesday I have been coming up out of my funk and I know that getting to the pool everyday for 30 minutes to exercise my arm is part of my healing.  I have even managed a few careful front crawl strokes.  I have just over 6 weeks until my birthday and on my birthday I like to swim my age in laps.  This year it will be 64 laps.  I will do it, not all front crawl, but I am determined to work towards that goal.  I will keep you posted. 

I also spent too much time this week trying to get my fitbit to sync with the app and it seems that since fitbit's last update it won't work.  I was getting soooooo frustrated and obsessed until I finally decided to put the fitbit away and delete the app.  I don't need the aggravation and I don't need a little device to tell me I am (or am not) walking enough in a day.  I am enough.  I am doing enough.  Enough.

This is supposed to be a Year of Projects update - but I am one of my projects so forgive the long personal update before getting to my crafting progress.

I did continue on the baby blanket - and I am loving it more the more I work on it.  I think it may be finished by next week.  No picture because besides being bigger it looks the same as last week.

There was some spinning.  I finished the second bobbin of the indigo dyed and then plied it.  I got about 130 meters.  Now I have to think of something to make with it. 

I started spinning another fibre.  I have 105 gms of this lovely gray.  It fluctuates between lighter and darker hues.  I split it into three hanks and put on my smallest whorl.  I have almost completed the first bobbin and I love it so far.  I had to replace the drive band for the first time ever as the one I needed for this smaller whorl had broken.  It only took me three tries to get the tension correct - yay me.

My felted lopi slipper photobombed the picture!

I am disciplining myself to only spin as long as I am enjoying the process and not to obsess about 'getting it done!'  I can get too fixated on finishing the fibre and that can take a toll on both my mental health and my hand.  So easy does it for me. 

I am re-reading Bruce Springsteen's autobiography "Born to Run".  I had read it when it first came out via my local library, but ever since I wanted a copy of my own.  I kept checking the free store on the little island, and my sister continued to do so for me.  No luck.  I had mentioned to a close friend how that book had impacted me, and lo and behold she texted me a couple of weeks ago that she was in a used book store near her cabin and there was the book! 

who knew there where so many books about Bruce

but this was the one I was after!

She bought it for me and I saw her on Monday for lunch and now it is in my hands!  That man can write! He also has struggled with depression and is very articulate in describing how it manifests for him and I can relate to his experiences.  I have been thinking about writing my own autobiography, if only for my children, and perhaps I will once I have finished the next round of edits on my novel.  So much to think about.


Two other shares from this week:   The first tomato from our patio tomato plants (with three more already to go). 

And my orchid is blooming once again - six blossoms this time.

So there is my week.  A little spinning, a little knitting, swimming everyday, visits with two dear friends, daily croatian study and forward progress with my mental health.   All in all it has been a productive week.

To follow other yoppers (and if you are a Ravelry member) check out their posts here.

PS:  My granddaughter is now able to say Ba Ba Ba.......soon she will be able to say Baka!  (that's me).

I am enough

I have not had an easy month (or two).  I have been wondering "What is the point?" to this thing called life. 
I have raised my children.
I have retired from my job (sort of).

What do I offer the world now? 

What is my purpose?  Yes, that is the question.  What is my purpose now?

Last week I spent a few days at the High School evaluating two teachers - so there is some purpose there.  During one of the lessons a student asked me for some help with their homework - and I did help - so there is that.


I go to my Coda meeting and my meeting at Hope Centre and I have some input sometimes and perhaps what I have to say helps someone. 

I think my question is bigger.  My purpose in life - what is it. 

I got up late today - and had to hurry off to Coda so as not to be late.  Still, everytime I go there I seem to have an epiphany either while there or on the way home.  Today I walked home from the meeting.  I passed a few other walkers and nodded, said hello, acknowledged their dog, or their child in the stroller. 

And the thought hit me.

Maybe my purpose is to just be me.  To smile at those I pass on the street.  To acknowledge the lost and lonely, or the triumphant and proud.  To meet human to human if even for just a moment - to let others know they are not alone. 

To let myself know I am not alone. 

When I get like 'this' I don't want to answer the phone, or the door, and if someone I know pops into view at the pool or grocery store I want to hide. 

But maybe, just maybe, if I think of the other and stop for a moment to say hello and exchange a few pleasantries it will be enough.  Baby steps towards not feeling so lonely - even though my loneliness is self imposed. 

I have been trying to find the Why, in the What which I do everyday.  The swimming, the knitting, the gym, the work, the walking and even the eating and the sleeping. 

I have been in almost chronic pain for the past couple of months - and the sleeping hours are the worse.  I usually wake up in alot of pain, but it does ease up considerably during the day as long as I don't aggravate it. 

Of course - everything aggravates it - dishes, sweeping, reaching, driving, lifting, and don't even mention knitting, or swimming. 

My other epiphany today was to stop.  Just stop all the things that aggravate it - because I can't knit just a few minutes and I realize that texting or doing crosswords on my phone also aggravate it and doing those things left handed is too hard. 

So except for watching you tubes the phone will only be used for - wait for it - phone calls.  To use whatsapp, or facebook messenger I will use my computer because typing with two hands doesn't aggravate the tendon like using my thumb to text does. 

So that is today.  I did take another try at painting the bleeding hearts that are blooming outside my front door.  I was happier with today's effort.

And then I spent some time on my Croatian exercises because there is definitely a purpose to that.  

Moja Unuka! Ona je lijepa.  Ja sam njezina baka. 

It is not that the pity party is totally over.  But it is winding down I think. 

And that is a good thing, no?

Yopping Update #38 - Still grumbling along

Yup, still grumpy.  I did see the physio last Monday and I go again tomorrow.  I went to chiropractor yesterday and I think it helped a wee bit - at least I slept better last night.  Tomorrow I go to my doctor to request an ultrasound and then the physio again.  I think she will do some acupuncture or needling tomorrow.  She has given me exercises which I think help.

Knitting?  Not so much.   Swimming?  Not at all.  Thank God the weather has been wonderful and I went for three long walks this week.

I can knit about 20 rows a night - so I am plugging away on my KAL blanket.

I am about 40 rows in on another square - so little by little I am getting it done.

I have two more squares to do before my next issue arrives so I will be caught up by then.

I was going to go to a fibre show today to buy some yarn for the border, but it ended yesterday!   What????   I thought it ran all weekend.  I am going to head down to Michaels this morning and see if I can find something suitable.

Since I can't knit I have tackled making drapes for our bedroom out of some material I was given over a year ago.  I have pinned the pleats and today I will stitch them on the machine.

I bought the drape hooks yesterday so who knows, they might be hung by the end of the day.   My husband has to help me lift them into position of because of my arm, and I will post pictures next week. I promise, because right now they are just in a heap on the floor in my craft room.

My taxes got filed  and the answer book arrived for my Croatian exercise book so I am able to mark my work without having to wait to go to my lesson on Thursdays.  I have had a major break through understanding the verb syntax in Croatian so I am excited about that.  When I watch TV now I find myself translating words I hear into Croatian.  I am dreaming about my lessons now, and a friend once told me that is a good sign when you are learning a new language.

I have been feeling down this week, being lame and all, but I am trying to keep my spirits up by visiting with friends and doing what I can do.  The yard is taunting me because it needs a good raking from all the winter wind storms, but raking is definitely a no go.

I can't get my amaryllis to bloom like my son has been able to with his:

but my lawn is full of violets:

and my orchid and hoya are blooming in the kitchen window:

So spring is here - hooray, and the trees around my house are full of birds: robins, towees, juncoes, flickers, hummingbirds,jays, crows, chickadees and nuthatches.

Life is good.

I came across this saying today:

Before you speak, let your words pass through three gates: 

Is it true?
Is it necessary?
Is it kind?  

Kinda fits with my lenten promise, I think.   And since God felt it necessary for me to also give up swimming and knitting for Lent (apparently chocolate chip cookies and facebook wasn't enough) I have to believe it is all for a reason.

It will be all right in the end.  If it is not alright, it is not the end.

Follow my other intrepid yoppers - they are amazing in their support and their talents.