November 15 - Is it bedtime yet?

Up at 6:30am
At school by 7:45am
Teach from 8:00 - 9:30
Drive to Rec Centre
Join my Tai Chi class  (10 minutes late)
Finish class at 10:35am
Swim until 11:20am
Home by 11:35am to make lunch
Eat (and watch an episode of Chicago Med)
To school by 1pm to meet with student for 45 minutes
Home by 2pm
Prepping for tomorrow morning's lecture
It's 3pm now and still miles to go before I sleep.

I will head back to the school in about 30 minutes to put up by board work and look over my notes for my 5:20pm class.
Teach until 6:45pm.

And then will it be bedtime?

Probably not because I will need to eat supper (my dh is making chicken soup) and I hope to do a wee bit of knitting.

I plan to be in bed by 10pm.

And then?

And then tomorrow I will do it all over again.

I am tired.  But happy, so that is a good thing.

Yopping Update #19 - Time to start picking up the pieces

First of all a finish.

ignore morning hair. lol

I was quite happy about my estimation of where to start decreases so I wouldn't run out of yarn.  I call this a definite yarn chicken win.

That little bit of leftover yarn will start  another little gnome.  I had almost 24 hours with nothing on the needles and then last night I started another leaf bed which will be matched up with a little gnome.

I am please to report that my mood is improving thanks to the increase in medication and also my chiro appointment on Friday night has given me a fair bit of relief with my hip. 

I am happy about both things as I am scheduled to teach two classes a day starting on Wednesday.  I have started organizing my notes (nothing like leaving things to the last minute), and I have managed to get to the pool six days in a row.  It really is my life saving activity. 

This morning I went to a WW workshop because tomorrow they are introducing a couple of changes to the existing program and I wanted to get all the new material.  Fresh starts always feel good - new booklets and I will dig out my stickers and coloured pens to inspire myself. 

Tomorrow is Remembrance Day and even though I have a physio appointment at 9:30 I am hoping to get to the cenotaph before 10:30. 

Of course my Sunday updates wouldn't be the same without a grand-daughter pic, would they?

my little munchkin

This post also counts as my NaBloPoMo post number 10!

Year of Projects Year Nine Here I Come

Thanks to my son for the drawing for my Year 9 Year of Projects header.  Cute, no?

My list is in the page at the top of this blog Year of Projects 2019-2020.  I will update it throughout the year as I go along. Here it is as this year of projects begins:

Year of Projects 2019-2020

Advent Knits (3rd time lucky?) # refer to my Ravelry queue

1) Christmas Bell #45
2) Stjarna - #46 or #61
3) Gnome Baby #98
4) Santa Gnome #55
5) Bear Xmas Tree decoration #54
6) Christmas Drum #70
7) heart #49
8) hedgehog #68
9) Advent Tree #39
10) mini santa hat #67 or #69
11) candy cane #51
12) Acorn #52
13) Holiday Mice #53
14) Mushroom #56
15) Gingerbread Man #62
16) Poinsetta #58
17) Shamrock # 59
18) Reindeer #62
19) Snowman #62
20) Yarn basket ornament #65
21) Mini sweater ornaments #35 or #47

WIP
Fisherwoman's sweater
Slip,Knit,Love Mosaic Shawl

Grand-daughter
Crib Mobile #119 or #128

Spinning
Just do something (lol)

Basket Weaving
finish basket started spring 2018 in Arizona
woven wedding plate kit

Socks

Shawls

Sweaters

Crochet
grocery produce bags
Spicier Life Blanket

Simply Knitting Kits
Bella bunkins

Publish Novel

No new yarn acquisition

I have two wips to finish - and here is my progress on them as this year starts.

Fisherwoman's sweater

sleeves 

back 

Slip Knit Love shawl

There will be more spinning this year (are you listening Mary-Anne?), and I am certain many projects will find there way into my heart and hands as the year unfolds. I have so much unspun fibre that I plan to only work from my stash this year.  So, yes, that is my commitment - no new yarn acquisition unless it is needed to complete a project that I started from my stash.  So, if I want to knit and crochet I had better get spinning!

I am determined to get my novel to beta readers this coming year and ultimately published one way or another.

Oh, and there will be swimming, and walking and pictures of my dear grand-daughter.  That is a promise.

Happy Canada is today!  I hope there will be red and white cupcakes and fireworks!

If you are a Ravelry member you can follow other Year Nine Yoppers here!

I am enough

I have not had an easy month (or two).  I have been wondering "What is the point?" to this thing called life. 
I have raised my children.
I have retired from my job (sort of).

What do I offer the world now? 

What is my purpose?  Yes, that is the question.  What is my purpose now?

Last week I spent a few days at the High School evaluating two teachers - so there is some purpose there.  During one of the lessons a student asked me for some help with their homework - and I did help - so there is that.


I go to my Coda meeting and my meeting at Hope Centre and I have some input sometimes and perhaps what I have to say helps someone. 

I think my question is bigger.  My purpose in life - what is it. 

I got up late today - and had to hurry off to Coda so as not to be late.  Still, everytime I go there I seem to have an epiphany either while there or on the way home.  Today I walked home from the meeting.  I passed a few other walkers and nodded, said hello, acknowledged their dog, or their child in the stroller. 

And the thought hit me.

Maybe my purpose is to just be me.  To smile at those I pass on the street.  To acknowledge the lost and lonely, or the triumphant and proud.  To meet human to human if even for just a moment - to let others know they are not alone. 

To let myself know I am not alone. 

When I get like 'this' I don't want to answer the phone, or the door, and if someone I know pops into view at the pool or grocery store I want to hide. 

But maybe, just maybe, if I think of the other and stop for a moment to say hello and exchange a few pleasantries it will be enough.  Baby steps towards not feeling so lonely - even though my loneliness is self imposed. 

I have been trying to find the Why, in the What which I do everyday.  The swimming, the knitting, the gym, the work, the walking and even the eating and the sleeping. 

I have been in almost chronic pain for the past couple of months - and the sleeping hours are the worse.  I usually wake up in alot of pain, but it does ease up considerably during the day as long as I don't aggravate it. 

Of course - everything aggravates it - dishes, sweeping, reaching, driving, lifting, and don't even mention knitting, or swimming. 

My other epiphany today was to stop.  Just stop all the things that aggravate it - because I can't knit just a few minutes and I realize that texting or doing crosswords on my phone also aggravate it and doing those things left handed is too hard. 

So except for watching you tubes the phone will only be used for - wait for it - phone calls.  To use whatsapp, or facebook messenger I will use my computer because typing with two hands doesn't aggravate the tendon like using my thumb to text does. 

So that is today.  I did take another try at painting the bleeding hearts that are blooming outside my front door.  I was happier with today's effort.

And then I spent some time on my Croatian exercises because there is definitely a purpose to that.  

Moja Unuka! Ona je lijepa.  Ja sam njezina baka. 

It is not that the pity party is totally over.  But it is winding down I think. 

And that is a good thing, no?

Yopping Update #39 - Time to get serious

Okay - I get it. I have to stop knitting.  At least for a while.  I knit on Sunday a little,, and on Monday too much and boy did my arm hurt all through Monday night.  Tuesday I put all my knitting away in the craft room so as not to be tempted while watching TV.  Turns out, TV is not as much fun as when I can knit.

I did finish the drapes on Monday, and hung them Tuesday.  I think putting the hooks in on Monday night attributed to my sore arm - but they are done and hung and I am very pleased with them.

Much better than the very old and broken bamboo curtain that was there for certain.  The colour isn't showing correctly.  The design is in a dark blue, not brown.

I frogged a square where I had lost on yarn chicken. I tried to match it with another yarn but it was too noticeable so I knew I wouldn't be happy for it to go into the blanket.  So I finished one square and frogged one square so that puts me at zero (I did start another, put it is in the time out with my fisherman sweater until my arm is better).

I did spin about 10 gms of fibre, but that too puts too much stress on my arm so instead I spent an evening entering all my fibre into Ravelry so I will be ready to spin again when I am healed.

I have been going to the gym and using the treadmill, stairmaster, elliptical and recumbent bike since I can't swim.  Trying to look at glass half full, but boy do I ever miss my swimming and my knitting.

I have been studying my Croatian and having the answer book is great for checking my progress.

As I write this I am on the little island looking after my sister's two jack russells.  Lots of walks in my future while here, and I have brought a whole bunch of recipes with me that I want to try.  I also have a few novels that I have been neglecting, and I have been thinking about reworking the novel I wrote a couple of years ago.   I can't knit, (did I mention that?), so I need to find other things to do. I also plan to journal daily.

Oh,and  I also have prep for my summer courses, so that is here with me as well.

You can find the other yoppers here.

By the way....

Tomorrow is April first.  Don't get fooled!

PS:  I just changed the bulb in the headlamp of my car - ALL BY MYSELF!  Thanks to youtube and also there may have been some curse words....but I DID IT!

Yopping Update #37 - A little progress

Happy Saint Patrick's Day.   I hope you are wearing green for luck.  Or leprachaun socks like my grand-daughter!

The sun is shining and the sky is blue.  The barometer is up so good weather is ahead.  Hooray!

The arm is no better, but I am going for physio tomorrow morning (at 7am!).  Wish me luck because it is a real pain (literally and figuratively). 

I did get a little knitting done - I can knit for about 30 minutes before my upper arm starts to ache.

So now I have 24 finished squares.  Slow progress for sure but it is what it is. 

I did work quite a bit this week, and on Wednesday and Friday I was the substitute teacher in the handwork room.  What a fantastic gig.  I got paid to help students knit and sew. 
One dear little grade two girl told her mum (who told me later) that Mrs. T is the 'world's best handwork teacher!'  High praise indeed!

Spring break has started here so the school will not be calling on me and I can spend more time on rehab for my arm, walking, visiting and resting.

My son is in town for a few days so that has been wonderful to catch up and hang out.  This morning while having our coffee and chatting we watched two flickers involved in a very complicated mating ritual.  Too far away for any pictures but with the binoculars we had a good view of their antics. 

Baby flickers in my future!

I have been studying a lot this week since I needed to fill my knitting time with something else and I feel like I have had quite a break through understanding the complicated conjugation rules of the Croatian language.  Yay me. 

I am still grumpy because of my arm, but today I will go to the gym instead of the pool and do some leg work - also use the stair machine.  My son will come too so then after our workout we can hang out in the hot tub and the sauna. I will probably float in the river for a time too.

I let go of some things yesterday that no longer serve me to keep them around.  Old letters and such that were written in a different time out of a different place and to hang on to them and stumble upon them was causing me sadness.  At my CoDA meeting yesterday there was a lot of sharing about relationships,and forgiveness and trust.  It seems that every meeting I go to teaches me, or reaffirms for me, things that I need to learn, or am learning about myself. 

As Marie Kondo would say 'thank the things for how they have served you and then let them go. 

Letting go is not something that comes second nature to me. Holding on to old hurts doesn't serve me.  If you read about the metaphysical reasons for pain, shoulder pain means I am perhaps not letting go of things or holding on to another's sadness or, and I like this one, YOUR BODY IS TELLING YOU: LOVE YOURSELF.

Yes, it was in capitals in the article my daughter sent me so I am paying attention. 

I also cleaned up files off my computer and phone to free up space and I found this: 

Perfect. 

To follow other yoppers you can check out their progress here:  They are warriors too, just like me.

Yopping Update #19 - More secret wips

There has been knitting this week on the mystery present - and I would guess I will finish it sometime in the coming week.  I have wound yarn to make two more zodiac double-knit pot-holders also for Christmas presents. 

I bought another suitcase on Thursday so it is laid out in the spare room and I have started to fill it with things I am taking on our trip.  The duffel bag is already filled with goodies for my daughter and the baby.  So much knitting! 

There is so much I want to bring her that I am afraid there will be little room for clothes for my dh and me.  Oh well.  There are stores in Croatia.  Right?

We have continued on our cleaning spree and last Wednesday we booked to have our kitchen and bathroom floors recovered.  The upstairs cupboards and drawers are all sorted and now we are tackling the dreaded basement.  There has already been two trips to the recycling depot and one trip to the dump not to mention donating items to the urban refurbish store and I have another big box ready for goodwill.  I also pulled up the ratty carpet on the basement stairs. Whew!  After thirty-six years in the same house there is a LOT to clear away. 

It will be wonderful to come home in January from our seven weeks away to a clean and de-cluttered house.

This coming Wednesday I start a five day teaching stint - teaching teachers-to-be.  I am looking forward to the teaching, but it does mean I have some serious prep to get to in the next two days! 

I have been journaling my 31 days of Self Love, but as yet it has just been between me and my hard copy journal.  I just don't feel ready at this time to put it out into the blog-o-sphere. I am using my favourite journal by Philip Simmons called "Learning to Fall".  It has so many inspiring thoughts.  Today's question: "Where do you need to slow down and take your time.?"  Oh my - in SO many areas. 

The highlight of my week had to have been the tea party I had with my honourary grand-daughters and their mom.  I had given them a tea set that had been my daughter's when she was younger. 

We made cookies and then had proper tea like proper little ladies!

That night I spent on their couch and the two girls decided to sleep on the floor beside me.  A delightful sleepover to be certain. 

Okay, now I really have to go do some prep.  I have fifteen hours of teaching ahead of me between Wednesday and Sunday.  Eek.  Wish me luck. 

To follow the other intrepid yoppers (who have probably done much more crafting this past week then I have) go here.

Yopping Update #18 - Lotsa Progress, No Pics

The Houlland is finished, but not blocked so pictures will come sometime in the future. 

The present that shall not be named or seen here until after Christmas is coming along very well and I would say at this point is about 40 percent complete.

Mostly this past week (besides working away for two days) I have been cleaning out cupboards and re-lining shelves and I am impressed with myself for doing it and the finished product.  I am on the last (and hardest) cupboard but will finish it on Wednesday when I get home. 

I have decided that I will not be turning the three baby doll fleeces I have into usable fibre, and the three bags just sit there in my closet and mock me - so they are being given away. I have kept enough to make a fairisle toque.

We took three bags of clothes to goodwill today, and five items to the re-furbish/re-use-it store.  Earlier this week we took a big old printer to the recycling center as well as two boxes of used and partial paint cans.  As I cleaned cupboards I put things I never use and never want to use in boxes and they went to goodwill as well.  I have a few trinkets for my honourary grand-daughters that I will give them tomorrow. 

Ah, it feels good to de-clutter. 

And, the kitchen is so tidy I even feel like cooking which is usually my dh's job. 

So now I have time to blog, and knit, and adjust to the time change that happened this weekend.  Ugh. It is so dark out now at only 5pm! 

I student of mine has come up with a journaling journey and has given 31 topics that revolve around the idea of '31 Days of Self Love'. 

There are 31 days before I go to see my daughter so it seemed like destiny is asking me to do some  writing (and not just fretting about what to pack, and are all my ducks in a row for the seven week trip).

Stay tuned - some of the writing may just end up posted here on my blog. 

To follow other bloggers you can see their progress here. 

Well, maybe just one pic:

This was our Hallowe'en door ready for the 30+ trick or treaters that visited us last Wednesday.

Yopping Update #14 - Wish Accomplished

Yes!  Bonnie's Wish is off the needles!!

and look how accurate my yarn usage was:

60 inches left over.  Yarn chicken FTW!

I still need to block this, and sew in the ends but SHE IS DONE!

I got a few more inches on my dear husband's sock.

And I picked up my Scottish Hap, Houlland, and have finished 8 of the 63 points I need before I pick up ALL those stitches and begin the body. 

I will be 63 in 10 days so I am taking it as a sign that I need 63 points for the border - I am aiming to have them done before my birthday. 

We had our first snowfall while I was working 120 kms north of my house.  Luckily it didn't stick before I had to drive home (and yes, the snow tires are going on next week before I drive up to work again)

There was a big enough dump of snow that the students could make snowmen at lunch time, but by 2pm all that was left was a few patches of snow and five or six snowmen like this one sitting on the green grass!


I had a few low days this week and yesterday I was having none of it.  I decided to walk to my twelve step meeting in the morning because the sun was out and it was glorious.  The walk, the meeting, and the walk home definitely helped my mood. 

Then my dear friend and I met for sushi lunch and afterwards headed to the pool to play in the river current, sauna, steam, hottub and talk and talk.  It was perfect and my mood has improved dramatically. 

She had to buy a bathing suit for our spa afternoon and she gave me this cute bag that her new suit came in:

I do feel good half naked (and all naked for that matter), but half naked and in the pool is always a win for me. 

It is Canadian Thanksgiving this weekend and for the first time in probably 41 years it is just my dear husband and me for dinner.  We have a little tiny turkey and we will make all the fixings. 

I am thankful for my family, friends, health and of course knitting.   And swimming.  What would I do without those two lifelines. 

To follow other yoppers you can check out their updates here.  I am off to brine the turkey and make some stuffing.  And yes, there will be knitting.

Have a great week everyone.

Me in the Middle

I am a middle child. 

A really, really middle child. 

Three older siblings all born two years apart, then 4 1/2 years to me.  Then another 3 1/2 years to my younger siblings who are only 14 months apart. 

See? 

Middle Child.

In the early 90s when I was struggling with situations in my family of origin I came across John Bradshaw's  work on Family Systems. 

The middle child.  The peacemaker. 

Yup. 

A couple of weeks ago I wrote down all the times I was 'in the middle' of family dramas. I counted eleven. I few of them I felt directly responsible for because I was the catalyst for the disagreement.  Or, at least, I thought I was. I have since come to realize that being a catalyst is not the same thing as being one of the two substances that react with each other. Often to explosive results.

Yesterday I had an epiphany. 

I wasn't in the middle by nature.  I put myself in the middle.  I took it upon myself to be a mediator, or a peace maker, or a conduit, or the one at fault.

I sometimes tried to intervene.  I sometimes tried to mediate.  I sometimes prayed for reconciliation. I often took on all the blame.

All because of my own issues with confrontation and discord. 

I want everyone to get along. I want everyone to be happy.  I want to put my hands over my ears and sing 'la la la' to block out the anger, or sadness, or disappointment. 

I wanted my family to be like the Hallmark movie of the week. Everyone around the table at Thanksgiving saying heartfelt and kind things to each other. 

I put myself there. 

Only once have I ever been asked to pass a message along from one person who was not speaking to another.  Ironically I didn't.

Once I believed a lie one person told me about another.  It made me suspicious, but still anxious that somehow it was all my fault.

I have though, repeatedly through my life, not told someone what I was doing, or who I was doing it with, if it involved mentioning someone they were in conflict with.  This has happened too with friendships where I was good friends with two people who were not friendly with each other.

I silenced myself to spare the feelings of another.  I hid parts of myself so as not to cause pain.

I believe this behaviour, in part, contributed to my struggle with depression.

I denied my experiences, my loves, my stories so as not to rock the boat. 

One example of my co-dependent behaviour.  There are others, but I am here at the moment.

Me in the Middle. 

Working with this.  Realizing that others are resilient enough to deal with their feelings and their relationships and I don't have to fix them. 

It isn't my job. 

As I often tell others (I am so wise when talking to others). 

Not my circus.  Not my monkeys. 

Pay attention Me. 

Not your circus.  Not your monkeys.

Yopping Update # 12 - Cables and cable and cables, oh my.

I finished my socks and they have been on my feet all week:

My husband likes them so much I have cast on another pair for his hobbit feet (large, not hairy).

I have finished section four of Bonnie's Wish, and I have started on the border - all 616 rows of it! 

That is a s#itload of cables!

I went to a textiles show on Friday with a friend and it was interesting and inspiring, but at this point in my life I am happy to stick with knitting and spinning and leave the quilting and sewing for others who are soooo talented and creative. 

However next weekend is KnitCity and I am sure I will be uber inspired and probably make a few purchases there.  Stay tuned. 

My son found this picture downstairs while he was visiting last week.  I think it was one my daughter took of a mural on the east side of town. 

It is now the wallpaper on my phone.  It speaks to me. Loudly.  And my son says the character with the words on her t-shirt looks like me.

Kismet.

I hope you can 'Let Go' this week.  It will be my mantra for some time. 

To follow other yoppers check out their stories here

Going Dark - Finding Light

I need to go dark.

My blog has become mostly a knitting blog because of my involvement with Year of Projects.  I do also write about my doings day to day, but mostly about my projects.

I used to write more about my feelings and struggles and I miss doing that.

My mental health misses me doing that.

I have always known that I seek the approval of others.  My colleagues, my family, my students, my friends.

I avoid confrontation at a cost.  The cost is that I don't speak my truths about things that I am afraid will cause conflict.

That wasn't so when I was on the board of my school.  I was fierce and outspoken and I like that part of me. But with family I go quiet.

This is true of this blog now.  There are things I want to write about, but then I worry there will be fall out or blow back.

I thought about starting another blog, an anonymous blog, but this morning I realized that if I don't want to publish a post I can not publish a post, but the thoughts will still be there for me to read and reflect on.

So here goes.

A couple of weeks ago I was at a meeting and we were talking about our reliance on the approval of others.

I sat there with my stomach alerting me that I had something to say:

In my pocket I carry my father's worry stone.  On my wrist I wear my grandmother's bracelet which has the regiment badges of the two regiments my father was in during WW II.  It also has a small gold cross.

I have my father's wallet with his university id card and other personal items in the drawer beside me.

His picture is on my bookshelf, and a cartoon of him hangs in the living room.

He is everywhere.

My father died when I was 17.  I miss him everyday.  I am now 62.  I believe that my father loved me as I loved him, although I was told once by my mother that he didn't love anyone.  That he wasn't capable of love.  I didn't believe her then, and I don't believe it now.

His anger was huge.  He could be violent and unpredictable.  I was/am afraid of that anger.

But still I believe he loved me and despite the times my behaviour made him angry I have always believed his love was unconditional.  Unconditional love is something I struggle with. I am not sure I believe it is a thing that a parent will love their child no matter what.  I do believe that a parent will feel a responsibility for and to their child, but unconditional love as an all encompassing concept is a difficult one for me to really stand behind.

So back to the worry stone.

It is ironic that I do worry that I will lose his worry stone.  Sometimes I think I should purposefully return it to the earth or place it on his headstone.

I think about it, but for now it is firmly in my pocket.

So my question at the meeting was is it co-dependent to hold on to my father as I do.  To his memory, to his things?  His dresser is my dresser.  I have his sherry keg on my mantel piece.  Downstairs I have his ice-cream maker.

Things that tie me to him inextricably.

"They are just things. Your father would tell you they are just things."  My mother told me this once when she had spilled red wine on a handmade rug of mine.  I was upset.  She had been drinking.
She knew my Achilles heel.  She was telling me my father would be disappointed in my behaviour.

It is hard to write this. I have been told not to speak ill of the dead.  But memories are memories and some are wonderful and some still hurt all these many years later.

Forgive and forget.

I am learning to forgive, but forgetting is so very hard. 

Physical things hold memory for me.  I have had to let go of physical things that hold difficult memories because if I don't I can't get past the hurt they remind me of.

My father's worry stone, his wallet and my grandmother's bracelet do not hold any such memories.  Instead they remind me that he was just a man, who had a difficult history, who worried, who loved, who had faith, who had a mother that worried about him.

Those things remind me that he was human.

So am I.

And for now, and for the foreseeable future I will continue to carry him with me.

Walking to Hope

My son and I are friends on an app called Strava.  It is a fitness app that allows you to post your activities.  A few months ago I noticed my son started giving his activities cute names and often were accompanied by cute pictures as well. 

I started to name my walks and swims and aqua classes.  Often the name is just where I was, or who I was with but there is one that is named for where I am going. 

Walking to Hope.

Every Friday I meet some people for coffee at Hope Centre.  I have been meeting up with them since last November.   Now that the good weather is upon us I take advantage of it and walk the 4 1/2 km to the meeting place.  It takes me about 45 minutes.  My dh picks me up afterwards somewhere along the route as I walk home. 

I admitted to a friend recently that I don't like walking just to walk.  I need to be on an errand, or with a friend catching up.  I rarely will go for a walk without a destination in mind. 

Usually I walk to the mall to shop, or to the library to return/borrow a book, or to get my haircut, or see the doctor/dentist.  I am fortunate to live in a place where walking to these places is an option and is doable for me. 

But now Friday has become the best of destinations. 

I walk to Hope. 

As I walk I reflect on the beauty of where I live.  The horse stables I pass by.  The house with all the bird houses in the front yard. 

The house with the hedge trimmed like a prancing pony.

 I even give thanks for the new construction that has allowed for a wonderful walking/biking path under the highway overpass.  It used to be such a dank, scary place to walk under.  I walk past the old houses on the grand boulevard and the more modern ones that seem to be springing up here and there.  A district in transition.

Just like me.

Face to Face with the 7th step

I have been attending a twelve step program for 7 weeks.  It had been suggested by a therapist and then another friend that I try CoDA (co-dependents anonymous).  Ok, so now it is not so anonymous.

Each month they focus on the step that corresponds with that month. At yesterday's meeting I was looking through the list of behaviours that one could call shortcomings, or survival techniques. 

I recognized more than a few of them.

• procrastination (avoidance)
• needing to do something about what we are feeling
• fear of letting go and trusting
• fear of what others may think or feel about us
• fear of others' anger
• dishonesty
• manipulation (overt or covert) 
• isolation

So why am I posting this?  (She asks herself).  Because I am taking crazy back.  Because I don't want these behaviours to control me anymore.  Because I am healing and attempting to be honest with both myself and others. Because after these meetings I can be quite sad and tired as I deal with new information, remember memories I had forgotten or ignored, and integrate stories I hear with my own stories. 

We all have stories.

Step seven is "Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings."  To remove those things that have kept me safe all these 55+ years is a huge leap of faith. 

But I have faith.

I do. 

Socrates said "the unexamined life is not worth living." 

I believe that.

I do. 

I just wish that it didn't have to hurt so much. 

And it doesn't. 

Not all the time at least. 

Not. All. The. Time.

Goals and Challenges are my Albatross

It seems like everything in my life right now is goal driven. 

Duolingo - I am learning French and Duolingo keeps track of my progress by how many days in a row I have practiced.

Memrise - I am learning Croatian and Memrise keeps track of my days in a row.

Headspace - Keeps track of how many days in a row I have meditated

Carrot and Fitbit - Can I make 8200 steps a day?

Am I drinking 8 glasses of water a day?

Am I doing yoga every day?

Am I planking 30 seconds when I wake up and 60 seconds before I go to bed?

Am I doing 10 squats every time I go pee?

Am I exercising 150 minutes a week?

I can become quite manic about keeping all my streaks alive and have found myself trying to 'fudge' my Headspace streak by going to the app and starting the lesson but not listening to it, or trying to get in my steps without really stepping. 

Really? 

Really. 

So, I am trying to let go of all the expectations I put on myself.  I have been feeling quite manic lately and even my knitting is getting away on me.  I have cast on three projects as of yesterday and I have three others I want to cast on RIGHT NOW.

This manic activity is kind of freaking me out. I can't trust that this is just what good mental health feels like, or if  "Houston, we have a problem."

My headaches seem to finally be gone.

That is a very good thing. 

My blood work is all normal.

That is a very very good thing. 

I feel like I have too too many balls in the air and I am waiting for one of them, or all of them, to drop.

I am waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop. 

I don't trust myself. 

I don't trust feeling good. 

I don't trust.

Oh sure, I am getting things done but still and all I feel somewhat out of control. 

So for now I am using the Serenity prayer as my mantra:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

I am letting my streaks go.

I am being honest with myself about what I can and cannot do in a day. 

I am listening to that still small voice that is whispering to me that I am ok.

Not perfect. 

But ok. 

And getting better every day.

Yopping 46 - To drum card or hand card - that is the question.

On the knitting front my Bendy Arrow is almost done- next week I will post the finished picture (maybe even blocked!)

I took a very large pillow case of washed, un-carded fleece to my sister's little island.  She belongs to a fantastic group of weavers/spinners/knitters/crocheters that have a wonderful space called Fabricators.

It is in building that used to be a one room school house.

and inside is everything you need to do whatever craft you are working on.

On Tuesday morning the chairs were full of women chatting and laughing, helping one another, and sharing their projects and stories.  I was struck by this gathering of women because I know that amid the laughter and chatter there are individuals that have lost their health, their house, their husband, their hope.  And yet.  And yet there they were listening and laughing and carrying on with their lives.
It was inspiring.  It was supportive.  It was healing.

I went specifically to use one of the drum carders because I have soooooo much fleece and I thought it would help my poor wrists to put down the hand carders and so:

I went from this grey/black Baby Doll fleece to this:

and from this Friesan fleece:

to this:

 and from shetland locks like this one:

to this:

I went in again on Wednesday by myself for a couple of hours but I wasn't really alone because this

lovely spinner watched over me.

I have to admit that I thought the drum carding would go faster, and it didn't really. Plus, it took a long time after each session to clean the carder.  I also realized my Baby Doll fleece still has far too much lanolin so I will wash it again with soap before I card anymore.

I was struck by the peacefulness of the space while I was there alone for two hours.  I have decided that when we move I want to move to a place where I have a studio space with lots of light for all my spinning, knitting and sewing materials so they will be available and set up at all times.

A place just like Fabricators.

And I hope to fill it with women who create.  Fill it with their laughter and stories, their gifts and resolve, their beauty and support.

Today, too, is Mother's Day.  To all who mother in whatever capacity I wish you peace and love

Just for a giggle I will share with you what the front porch looked like when I arrived home from visiting my sister for nine days.  I didn't pack this much stuff to go to Europe for a month!

and a dear friend I visited on the way home gave me this lovely pin:

It has been a good week. I wish the same for all of you my dear readers.

If you are on Ravelry you can follow my other yopping friends. here.