Friday, June 1, 2018

Goals and Challenges are my Albatross

It seems like everything in my life right now is goal driven. 

Duolingo - I am learning French and Duolingo keeps track of my progress by how many days in a row I have practiced.

Memrise - I am learning Croatian and Memrise keeps track of my days in a row.

Headspace - Keeps track of how many days in a row I have meditated

Carrot and Fitbit - Can I make 8200 steps a day?

Am I drinking 8 glasses of water a day?

Am I doing yoga every day?

Am I planking 30 seconds when I wake up and 60 seconds before I go to bed?

Am I doing 10 squats every time I go pee?

Am I exercising 150 minutes a week?

I can become quite manic about keeping all my streaks alive and have found myself trying to 'fudge' my Headspace streak by going to the app and starting the lesson but not listening to it, or trying to get in my steps without really stepping. 

Really? 

Really. 

So, I am trying to let go of all the expectations I put on myself.  I have been feeling quite manic lately and even my knitting is getting away on me.  I have cast on three projects as of yesterday and I have three others I want to cast on RIGHT NOW.

This manic activity is kind of freaking me out. I can't trust that this is just what good mental health feels like, or if  "Houston, we have a problem."

My headaches seem to finally be gone.

That is a very good thing. 

My blood work is all normal.

That is a very very good thing. 

I feel like I have too too many balls in the air and I am waiting for one of them, or all of them, to drop.

I am waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop. 

I don't trust myself. 

I don't trust feeling good. 

I don't trust.

Oh sure, I am getting things done but still and all I feel somewhat out of control. 

So for now I am using the Serenity prayer as my mantra:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

I am letting my streaks go.

I am being honest with myself about what I can and cannot do in a day. 

I am listening to that still small voice that is whispering to me that I am ok.

Not perfect. 

But ok. 

And getting better every day.










2 comments:

  1. I think you have to give yourself a break sometimes. Yes it's good to do a certain amount of steps a day but maybe look at a weekly average. Somedays you will do more, some days less but if you're averaging the right number over the week then consider that a win. If you are in the habit of doing all those things regularly then if you miss the odd day it's not the end of the world. Being kind to yourself is also important. Life gets in the way sometimes and we can't always meet the high targets we set ourselves.

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  2. When you aren't sure about your behaviour or health, check in with someone who knows you well and who cares very much for you. If there is a problem brewing within us, we are often the last person to realise. Asking a trusted friend or relative can give them permission to share their observations with you. When we see our loved ones heading for trouble, it isn't always easy to tell them - often they are not ready to listen so we remain silent and just observe and wait with concern. If you make the move to ask a friend, they will surely tell you if they are concerned once they know that you want to know! If they have not been worried at all, it will be reassuring for you and you can relax. Either way it will help you to lose that uncertainty within yourself and an opportunity for personal growth and insight.

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