I can 't find my darning needle

 I haven't posted for almost six weeks.  Where, indeed, does the time go? 

Well, for the past month I have been looking for my favourite darning needle.  I have had that needle for grafting toes on socks and weaving in the ends after finishing a knitting project FOREVER. 

And suddenly, between one sock and the next it was gone.  

Oh, I have looked for it:

Between the couch cushions

Under the couch

Beside the couch

On the rug in front of my couch 

Under the rug in front of my couch 

In my knitting basket

On the tea table

On the coffee table 

Under the coffee table

In my craft room

In my bedroom

EVERYWHERE

And it is gone. 

And it makes me very, very sad.  

Oh, and I have gone through that list multiple times, even as recently as yesterday. 

I have lost it.  This is my fault. 

I can't let it go. 

Of course I have found two other darning needles in my sewing cabinet, but....one is too fat and the other is too thin.  Mine was perfect. 

I do this. 

I dwell on inconsequential things I have lost.

I have some inherent belief that if I find the lost things then all will be right with my world. 

This is magical thinking. 

I dwell on the little things I have lost so I don't have to dwell on the big things I have lost that will never be found like ..... Trust......Love.....my Father....my big sister....my health....my youth.

So ya, I haven't been posting. 

I have been knitting endless test knits for a competition coming up next year. 

I have been editing my novel(s) and will have two for sale at a craft fair this coming Thursday as well as one going into the library system this Friday. (including an evening soiree for the launch).

I have been applying for (and getting) work at HOpe Centre as a peer support worker. 

I have been singing in the church choir.

I have been learning the art of Chi-walking. 

and there has been shopping and cooking, laundry and dusting. (okay, okay, not dusting, not really)

So life moves along and there are some good things happening. 

But still

I have lost my darning needle, and my diamond stud earring (that was a year ago, but I keep looking).

Saturday I tore my house apart looking for my wedding album.  After searching four rooms I finally found it.  I wept because I also found some things that just made me sad. 

And to be honest - unappreciated. 

But that is another post, for another day. 

Today?

Today I will go for a swim, tidy the kitchen, sweep the floors and probably do another search for the darning needle. 

Because if I can find it that I will know that all will be made right in my world. 

Or at least I will have my trusted needles to graft the toe of the socks I am about to finish. 

Update #13 - Today is one of those days

 

Yes I know today is Tuesday.  Yes I know I should have posted on Sunday.  Yes I know I didn't post at all last week. 

Here is the thing.  Well actually a couple of things. 

First - I have a finished project, a pair of socks, but I can't post pictures because they are a test knit for next years' SuperSock World Championship.  Because of working on said socks I have not made anymore progress on my 54 pickup blanket. 

Second - I have cast on a toque to match my Heather Gansey that I knit last spring, but it is not really picture worthy as it is just two inches of ribbing at this point. 

Third - Some days go like this for me:

I become aware that I am awake and still trying to figure out the peculiarities of a dream I was having. The second I acknowledge I am awake I am aware of the anxiety that lives in my gut.  It feels like the butterflies you get before you have to give a speech, or present a project, only these butterflies have no reason to be there - there is no 'event' on the horizon, except the main event called 'life'. 

I reach for my robe, noticing that my husband is still sound asleep.  This means that there will be no coffee made.  This means I have to make it.  I don't want to.

I stand in the middle of kitchen looking at the espresso machine (it is quite noisy), and the kettle. I contemplate for a brief moment not having any coffee and just going to the couch to turn on the heating pad for my very sore back.  I am aware that everything is sore at this moment. 

I opt for the kettle.  How hard can it be? I ask myself.  

The answer?

Hard. 

I fill the kettle and put it on the burner.  As the burner turns to bright red I see smoke rising from the element - vestiges of last nights' dinner either on the burner, or on the bottom of the kettle.  I don't want to set the smoke alarm off so I remove the kettle and turn off the element. 

A deep breath.  I wipe the burner.  I wipe the bottom of the kettle.  I put the kettle back on the burner and start again.  I watch for a couple of minutes to make sure the smoke will not continue. 

I spoon five tablespoons of coffee into the bodium. I put the thermos in the sink.  I get my mug down from the shelf. The kettle starts to boil.  I pick it up before the whistle sounds.  

I pour the boiling water into the bodium and a little into the thermos to warm it up. 

I set the timer for four minutes. 

This is exhausting. 

I open the fridge to get out the two litre jug of milk and pour some into my mug.  I am astonished at how heavy two litres of milk can be. 

I put the mug into the microwave.  The timer beeps.  Four minutes is up.  I push the plunger of the bodium down very carefully and then set the microwave for thirty seconds to heat up the milk. 

I empty the hot water out of the thermos and pour the extra coffee into it for my husband to have when he wakes up. 

The microwave beeps.  I take out my mug and fill it the rest of the way with coffee. 

I walk to the couch.  I sit.  I put the heating pad on my lower back. I shake out the first half of the pills and vitamins I take before breakfast.  I wash them all down with the first hot sip of my coffee.  

I am exhausted.  

Making that pot of coffee felt like climbing fricking Mount Everest.  

It shouldn't be this hard. 

But it is. 

Somedays are like that.

Today was like that.

After lunch I went bird watching with my son.  It was lovely but the two kilometers was far too much.  I had to trick myself to keep going when all I wanted to do was sit down on the middle of the path and wail. 

It is too hard.  

I know why today is a hard day.  Today is a hard day for lots of people.  Maybe today was a hard day for you. 

But you know what? 

I can do hard things.  I can do hard things that someone else wouldn't think were hard at all. 

My point? 

Today is just one of those days.  Today is just a day.  

Tomorrow will be better.

Year of Projects Update Week 13

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This week was lots of knitting but not much to show.  I started the 2nd Vancouver sock, and I am on the back of my son's gansey.  I have been combing and spinning my Friesen fleece and it WILL be done before September 30th (she said confidently). 

I have about three inches done on my Birdsong sweater and I can't wait to start the charts.  Maybe tonight?  Who knows. 

I do have one quick start and finish.  I was tired of my clothes pegs spilling all over the deck everytime I hung my laundry outside, so I knit up this cute little peg bag.  I used some Cascade fixation, held double and it is the perfect weight.  I cut a wooden hanger to size and Voila, no more spills!

Big Smile!

I also finished my Gnome.  I will post his finish picture next week - so no spoilers this week for those of you taking part in the KAL.  You can go to my Ravelry project page if you want to see him before next week. 

Mostly this week has been all about my ocean swimming which I blogged about here.  

It has been a good week.  My new medications have kicked in, and the cold water therapy is really amazing.  It has actually been a very good week. I haven't been able to say that for the past year. 

And my Hoya is blooming - first time since I repotted it in the spring.

Ta-Da!

If you want to see what other Yoppers are up to you can check out the right side of my blog for shortcuts to their posts. 

Swimming for my life

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Can you see me?  June 2021

I am back in the pool.  Since July 13th I have been back in the pool.  I am now doubly vaccinated so I am back in the pool! I hadn't been in the pool since the first week of March 2020 when all hell broke loose and everything was shut down.  Remember March 2020?  Things were going to shut down for two weeks.  Two weeks!  And we all know how that turned out.

I managed 46 lengths my first day back.  That is 1150 metres.  (There was a swim suit malfunction, but I remedied this by changing suits the second time around.) The pool lets you book 45 minute sessions.  It took me a while to figure out the system of booking, and until I figured it out there were many times not available.  The pool allows thirty swimmers to book - up to a maximum of five swimmers per lane.  I have put my name on the waitlist a few times, and twice I have been successful taking a spot that someone else couldn't make. 

Most days there are only two to three of us in the 'medium' speed lane.  I feel very safe there.  I arrive ready to swim, and after 45 minutes I wrap myself in a big towel and drive home for my shower.  I have managed three swims a week since July 13th, and I am booked up until August 7th.  My son is coming to visit and I have booked him to swim with me too.  That will be awesome!

The last two times I have made 54 lengths in the 45 minutes.  It feels so good to practice my 'Total Immersion' swimming techniques and to feel strong in my strokes.  My arm is feeling good too.  No problem with the rotator cuff injury that plagued me through 2019 and 2020. 

I did manage to get in the ocean a few times since March 2020.  I went in on my birthday in October 2020 to celebrate turning 65, I plunged in on January 1, 2021 to celebrate the new year, and I swam twice in June - really swimming - not just running in and out as I did in October and January!

Anyone who reads this blog know that swimming is my life line.  Quite literally I swim for my life.  Swimming brings me peace and a momentary break from anxiety. For the 45 minutes I swim it is just me and the water and my strokes. Stroke, stroke, stroke, breathe.  Stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke, breathe.  And as I repeat the three strokes breathe, five strokes breathe rhythm I also say the 'Total Immersion' mantra to myself: Head down, Wide Tracks, Low Target, Patient Hand.  This mantra won't mean anything to anyone who isn't familiar with Total Immersion swimming, but it means a lot to me.  I have missed my long swims so much, and I feel with each session in the pool I am gaining some equilibrium with my mental health. 

We are going camping in a few weeks.  There will be a lake.  I have my swim buddy so I can safely go for some long swims and my dh will be able to spot me from shore.  I can't wait. 

I just read a post I wrote about my swimming from 2014.  You can check it out here, too. 

Oh, and by the way - I am still swimming upstream and sailing into the wind.

Yopping Update #7- Fashion Show

 

Well, not only am I still figuring out the new blogger, but on Friday I realized that my computer charging system was broken so I had a limited time to get files off of it before the battery died for good. Now this means I have resurrected my very, very old, slow netbook (it runs on Windows Starter 7.1) while we look at getting me a replacement.  Shopping for a replacement (shopping for anything) causes me anxiety and for some reason looking for a new computer sent me pretty much over the edge.  When my anxiety goes on high alert I can't properly feel my legs, and have to keep rubbing feeling into them.  I don't know what brought this on so suddenly but it sure feels crummy.  

Update - I wrote this blog Saturday morning, and by Saturday dinner time I had a new computer.  Thank goodness for my son and my husband helping me to wade through all the options and the one I wanted was in stock in a store not too far from us.  

Ok,enough about my anxiety. I have been knitting mystery gnomes and gifts so I have nothing to show as far as wips go.  But, I do have a wee bit of a fashion show:

I am very pleased with this pattern, Dahlia, the fit is perfect. It is very warm, so I have to admit I am looking forward to cool evenings and fall days so I can wear it a lot.  

I have been writing every morning before I get on with my day and it seems to have motivated me more to get to some chores and errands that have been dogging me.  I cleaned the piano inside and out, dusted, mopped, cleaned UNDER the fridge (ewww) and we have been getting yard work done with the help of a university student. Through this CoVid lockdown it seems that despite being home all the time there isn't the impetus to stay on top of  the wild growth of morning glory, cedar fall, maple shoots, and grass.  It is starting to look better, and my husband, I think, secretly likes getting out his mini chain saw to cut up branches. We have six bins for next week's recycling, and there is still a few more piles on the front lawn.  

There has been a bear round our neighbourhood so we picked all our apples early, and I am bringing in the bird feeders and night. God forbid I should have  bear visiting us on our back porch.  Although last night when I went out to get the bird feeder I saw this little fellow creeping along the back porch.  How it got there I have no idea.  I am blaming Otis. 

Banana slug - about 6 inches long

Our porch is not at ground level, and I don't think he slithered up the stairs.  And this morning he (she/it) was no where to be found.  

We have gotten out  a little more this week - dropping off bottles and cans at the recycling depot, buying fruit from a little market stand, and taking our lawn chairs down to the beach to watch the seals and eagles and herons.  

On the last video chat I had with my daughter, my grand-daughter asked her ta-ta (her dada) to put on her sandals so she could head out the door and walk confidently down the street to her neighbours door.  (of course ta-ta was following her from a safe distance - playing border collie).  I snapped a couple of screen shots while this was happening.  

Isn't she an independent spirit?

I think we (I) can learn so much from this little girl.  

Have a good week dear readers.  I so appreciate you all.  Stay safe.  Stay kind.  Stay calm. 

Yopping Update #39 - OMG I forgot a title

Well, it has been a roller coaster of a week mental health wise. I was excited to find a grocery store that would deliver to us on Tuesday and it was like Christmas morning unpacking the goodies.  Again on Saturday we called our local meat/grocery store and he put together two boxes for us that we picked up just as he was closing last night.  Next door is a small pet food store so I was able to get a few cans of cat food.  Not Otis' normal brand, but hey, we all have to make sacrifices in these times.

There have been a few melt downs (me) and a few fretful moments (dh) but all in all we are holding it together.  Himself is fearful to give me anything so he has been sleeping in the spare room, and as of yesterday I moved my toothbrush, etc. to the downstairs bathroom so we can keep each other well just in case one of us catches, or has, the virus.

Last night I woke up at 4am from a horrible dream that I was dying from the virus.  This is my second CoVid-19 anxiety dream.  Not fun.  Then between 4am and 5:30 am I took my temperature 3 times convinced I was running a fever.  Sigh.

On the plus side my CoDA 12 step group had an online meeting yesterday via zoom, as did my WW meeting last (and this) Sunday, and my knit group met online Thursday night.  My son is checking in with us via phone once a day, and my daughter and her precious daughter are video chatting with us every couple of days.

So, now to the knitting - or more correctly the crocheting.  I have become obsessed with all I am learning with the Wrapped in Jamie CAL.  I have completely finished square 1 and 2, and I have square 5 and 6 done up to the border.
I was quickly running out of stash as each square takes about 100 gms so I logged onto KnitPicks site.  It was March 23rd, and there was a notice that if you got your order in before midnight on the 23rd they would ship it, but then they would not be shipping until things settled down with the virus.  To make a long story short I order 14 balls of yarn!  It has been shipped and I am waiting for its arrival to finish the border on two of the squares and to start square 3.

square 2 - Sawny

square 5 - Chess and Manners

square 6 - L'Universitie

While awaiting for the Knitpicks order I needed something to do so after checking my queue on Ravelry I started the Spice of Life blanket.

Now I am done to only a few colours of the correct weight yarn, so the knitpicks order will help me finish this too.

that Knitpick order can't get here soon enough it seems

It is great TV crochet, not so with the Wrapped in Jamie CAL.  It needs ALL my concentration.

I think I will have to cast on a pair of socks that I will knit using bits and bobs of fingering I have around.  I will knit them TAAT (two at a time) so the striping will more or less match.

I did manage to cook one of our meals this week to give my hubby a break from doing all the cooking.

Sauteed chicken breasts with lemon and capers

The highlight of my week was when a book I ordered arrived.  It is The Boy, the mole, the fox and the Horse by Charlie Mackesy.  Just what my anxious soul needed:

This caption is one I am taking to heart these days.

I also got engrossed in Dan Brown's novel Deception Point.  I stayed up too late last night finishing it so I will have to start my Neil Gaiman book, Anansi Boys,  today.

So there is my week.  Some crochet, no knitting (what?)!

I washed and dried my handspun and will likely start using it this coming week.

292 meters combined - I should be able to make something smooshy out of this

Some reading, some fretting, some tears and lots of Netflix, Amazon Prime and Crave.  I am enjoying Younger on Amazon Prime.  It is frivolous and light and just the ticket some days.

I hope and pray you are all doing well.  And.....

my son wearing the sweater I knit him in January

and.....

look who is learning to sit in a chair

Stay well dear friends, dear readers.  We will get through this.


PS:  I published this and realized I hadn't put in a title.  Who know what it is saved under - but I hope it will work regardless.

Yopping Update #22 - T-2

Well, it is down to the wire and we are flying in less than two days.  It has not been an easy week as my anxiety is in full swing and I have relied on Lorazapam a few times this week.  It will be all right in the end (and by the end I mean getting on the airplane on Tuesday).  If it is not all right it is not the end.  Right?  Right.

On the plus side I finally have some knitting I can show you - because my dh never reads this blog, and I can knit for him right under his nose and he never suspects a thing.  

I worked Monday and Tuesday, and since Wednesday we have been running errands for our trip.  

Today I had a simple errand - to return some shoes downtown - it should only have taken about 40 minutes.  I zipped over the bridge, down the causeway - easy peasy.  And then I saw the sign - 

DEC 2 PARADE - EXPECT DELAYS.  

I had a heck of a time finding parking but finally was able to finish the errand with a loss of an extra hour.  Then it was taking stuff to recycling plus buying some more oven cleaner (and toilet paper) as well as some weird part my husband needed at Rona. 

I got home two hours later than I expected, but the good news is all the errands were done and I had time to tidy up before our house-sitter arrived for some last minute instructions.  (I also had time to indulge in a Teen Burger wrapped in lettuce from A & W).

My husband and I are now sitting in the living room a little shell shocked from all the work, tired, but very happy with the young woman who will be looking after our house and the cat while we are away.  

Oh,, there are still some things to do:

Tear up boxes for recycling,

Put car and truck in storage.

Put cable and home phone on pause.

Let Visa know we are travelling. 

Write up instructions for the House Sitter.

Get my husband to pack his suitcase!

Finish cleaning the oven (see above).

R E L A X - hahahahahahaha

Last night a dear friend called with an impromptu dinner invite to a local restaurant.  We worked until 6:30 on our to-do list and then had a lovely, laughter filled dinner with great company.  We got home around 10:30, and finished moving the last of the basement totes to their designated places.  OMG you could roller skate in our basement if you wanted! (I don't, but one could.)

So that is it for me (literally).  Dinner, netflix and I am certain early to bed.   The next time you hear from me, dear Readers, it will be from abroad.  

I'll keep you all posted.  

To follow other Yoppers check out their madcap lives here. 

Yopping Update #20 - Should I? I Should.

Yes, it is Tuesday, and yes I am three days late with my update.

It has been quite the week.

Firstly I taught for five days at the teacher training institute, and while it was wonderful and everything went well, it was exhausting.

I did a little knitting on the surprise - and actually have finished all the knitting as of last night, but now it needs to be blocked and put together.

Will that happen anytime soon?

Probably not.

We are getting new floors installed and hit a snag today because the subfloor in the bathroom is rotten and needs replacing.  Finding someone available to do this on short notice has made today very stressful, but hopefully we are back on track as of tomorrow.

Except tomorrow I start subbing in Grade Three for three days.  I could cancel, but clearly we need the money for this little 'hitch' in the plan.  I am such a mercenary.

Last night we spent emptying the fridge and the pantry so the appliances could be moved for the above mentioned floors.

My stress level as been off the charts and my stomach is on a steady diet of Zantac  Oh joy.  Oh rapture! Not.

Also, now we don't have access to the kitchen for dinner tonight - so I guess sushi?

Thank goodness we have a second bathroom.  Currently our toilet is sitting in the bathtub.  Thank goodness the second bathroom has a shower.  Grade Three will appreciate that.

What does all this have to do with my title?

I have been struggling with all the shoulds I pile on myself.  I should go to the pool.  I should go for a walk.  I should blog. I should read blogs.  I should listen to podcasts. I should journal.  I should read that book.  I should study my Croatian.  I should go to bed earlier - and so it goes.  I have decided that what I should do is stop 'shoulding on myself'.  So there's that.

On the plus side all the cleaning of the basement and all the trips to the dump and recycling depot have resulted in lots of fitbit steps.  Yaaaay?

So at the moment I am sitting in the living room surrounded by my kitchen table and chairs and all the pantry jars and window sill plants.  The fridge and stove are on the back porch.  Did I mention the toilet is in the bathtub?  How is it that in the process of cleaning and decluttering it looks soooo much more cluttered and, well, not clean?

I am going to start another knitted present, so also a surprise Knitting is my lifeline when I can find the time to sit and unwind a bit. Here is some hemp for my next two projects.  One will be red and natural, the other blue and green.

Oh, and crying - that helps too.

However, whatever will be will be, and in two weeks I will be in the air heading to see my daughter and her very pregnant belly.  I am looking forward to this trip, just not to the getting ready to go part of the program.  Packing always makes me anxious.

I am sure my yopping buddies will have some cool projects to show you.

In the meantime I will show you the colours of the project I just finished.

Yopping Update #17 - shhhh, it is a surprise

Houlland is almost finished!   The rows are whizzing by. 

I started a new project, but it can't be revealed until after Christmas - so there is that.

I have been cleaning cupboards, and getting rid of things that are just taking up space and I never use.  I have four boxes for good will with kitchen stuff and books.  And I have a couple of boxes wrapped up with things to give to  others who will appreciate them more than I do. 

It feels good. 

I tore up all the old cupboard liners on the bottom pots, pans and tupperware shelves and when I get home from teaching on Wednesday I will buy some new shelf liner.  It will look SO much better when I am done. 

I haven't forgotten that Wednesday is Halloween.  I have the candy in the cupboard and a pumpkin to carve on the front porch.  I will be ready for the little trick or treaters.

It has not been an easy week and you can read about that in my previous blog post. 

Things are starting to shift in an upwards direction since a) writing my blog, b) talking to my sponsor, c) talking to my sister, d) following my daughter's suggestion to turn off my phone and have a good cry, and e) having a lovely evening with my niece and her husband and their four delightful children. 

Hugs from grand nieces and grand nephews are certainly healing.  So are hugs from their mother and father!  I got to read stories, play with star wars characters, and learn all about the different characters in 'Littlest Pet Shop'.  I have soooo much to learn as I embark on this grand-parenting journey. 

I also was told by the five year old that we HAVE to watch 'The Greatest Showman'.  Who am I to argue with that recommendation.

It looks like we have found a house sitter for our adventure in December and January so we are just getting the house in order to leave it in the care of someone else.  No easy task. 

Otis (our cat) knows something is up so he is alternating between being more skittish than usual, and friendlier than usual. 

So that is it for me.

I am certain other yoppers did more yopping and less fretting.  You can follow their adventures here.

Falling

Years ago I read a book called Learning to Fall by Philip Simmons.  I think it was in October 2003, the year I was diagnosed with a chronic illness.

You would think I would be better at it by now.

I'm not.

My anxiety has been stirred up the past few weeks.  I can't put my finger on the why of it.  The reality of it is a buzzing in my chest, butterflies in my stomach and a tingling in my legs.  Today, for example, I keep rubbing my legs to bring life to them - to reconnect my body to my limbs.

It is hard to explain.

It seems like life is piling itself upon me.  Our camper is in need of an expensive repair.  My car seems to be drinking oil.  I have so much to do between now and leaving for seven weeks to go visit my daughter.

I fret that I won't pack the right things.  I will forget something I really need.  I won't finish getting the presents ready to bring with me.

It's not like there aren't stores where I am going.

It's not like we have no money.

It's just anxiety rearing its head and tormenting me.

Everywhere I look there are things to do:  prep for teaching next month, packing, cleaning, sorting, repairing, raking, reading. Even my bookshelf is mocking me whenever I look at all the novels sitting there that I intend to read.

I can get it all done, I think, but I am not feeling well enough to tackle any of it and I am instead willing to just sleep, or watch TV and knit.

Not a very grownup way to deal with life, but it is all I have right now.

I did swim a mile on Wednesday - which helped in the short term.  I will swim again today.  Or go the gym.  Maybe both.

I have done the dishes, made the bed and the laundry is on.

I did finally get to the doctor for an on-going physical complaint and I hope the ointment she prescribed will do the trick.

I missed my Croatian lesson yesterday because we spent the day trying to get someone to look at some serious damage to our camper for which we do not know the cause.  So an insurance claim is in our future but I am worried they won't cover the costs.

I am worried my Croatian will not be good enough when I get there.

And on it goes.

'Call the waaambulance', I want to say to myself.

Take an orange pill and chill out.

I should have learned to fall by now.

Because I am falling.

But now? 

Now I will removed the novels I haven't read - write down their titles for future reference - and put them in the give away pile.

Then I will go to the pool.

There will be time.

My daughter said that to me once.

There is time.

Yopping Update #16 - Plugging away

Good Morning Yoppers and Yopper followers!

This week I have been plugging away on Houlland.  The rows are getting quicker and the repeated sections make the lace chart easy to memorize.

I am on the 2nd repeat of the lace section - down from 315 stitches to about 230 at the moment so the rows are going a bit faster.  Luckily all wrong side rows are knit only except the five stitches in the middle so that always gives some respite from paying too close attention while I am knitting and watching Netflix.

This week has been semi productive in other areas, and also unproductive.

Monday and Tuesday I was away teaching and when I got home I was so sooooo  tired that it was early to bed.

Wednesday was my birthday - so there was quite a lot of celebrating starting with brunch out and ending with dinner and a movie.  We saw A Star Is Born and it was wonderful  I highly recommend it.  I loved loved the Streisand/Kristofferson version so I had a bit of trepidation about this remake - but Oh My God it was so good.

On Thursday morning we decided to go get our flu shots and then I had my Croatian lesson.  Thursday night I went to a play with a friend and it was an early to bed night for me.

On Friday I was feeling the effects of the flu shot and just felt off all day - so very little knitting was had. I did get my hand-outs and supplies list off in the mail for a course I am teaching in mid-November.  The deadline is next Monday so I was happy to get this off my to-do list.

Saturday morning I was feeling better and headed to my CoDA meeting.  I was quite weepy when I got there but as usual had a bit of an epiphany as the meeting progressed.

I wore my "I'm gonna go down fighting" t-shirt to the meeting.  I even wore it backwards so the slogan was on the front, not the back.

Some participants shared about negative self talk, and I realized that my t-shirt was negative.  It should read:

I'm gonna get up fighting!  I came home in a better state of mind.

We were on a cleaning binge yesterday - getting ready to have someone live in our house while we are away in December and January.  We got a lot done and it felt good to clear out the cobwebs (literally and figuratively).

Last night we had a lovely dinner with my brother and his significant other.  Yummy food and lively conversation - we spent three and a half hours at the restaurant!

So, all this to say the knitting took a bit of a back seat this week - most evenings I managed about 6 rows.

Tomorrow I am off to teach 120 km from home.  I am listening to a fantastic book called "Pirate Cinema" while I drive.  It makes the time go by and I don't have to listen to the news! (Which is too anxiety producing these days.)

Wish us luck that the woman we are meeting tonight will want to house sit and cat sit for us while we are away.  It would remove so much worry to know the house is taken care of through the winter months.

Also, yesterday I voted in our municipal election. Here is my attempt at a selfie.  I am wearing my 'On the Spice Market' shawl as I am heading out to an Indian restaurant for supper so it seemed appropriate.

 Most people I voted for were elected so I am pretty happy about that.  Now we will see if their promises were more than just campaign strategy.

To follow other yoppers check out there progress here.

I am off to rake leaves while the sun shines and they are crunchy and easy to manage.  I hear the rains are coming back on Tuesday!

Goals and Challenges are my Albatross

It seems like everything in my life right now is goal driven. 

Duolingo - I am learning French and Duolingo keeps track of my progress by how many days in a row I have practiced.

Memrise - I am learning Croatian and Memrise keeps track of my days in a row.

Headspace - Keeps track of how many days in a row I have meditated

Carrot and Fitbit - Can I make 8200 steps a day?

Am I drinking 8 glasses of water a day?

Am I doing yoga every day?

Am I planking 30 seconds when I wake up and 60 seconds before I go to bed?

Am I doing 10 squats every time I go pee?

Am I exercising 150 minutes a week?

I can become quite manic about keeping all my streaks alive and have found myself trying to 'fudge' my Headspace streak by going to the app and starting the lesson but not listening to it, or trying to get in my steps without really stepping. 

Really? 

Really. 

So, I am trying to let go of all the expectations I put on myself.  I have been feeling quite manic lately and even my knitting is getting away on me.  I have cast on three projects as of yesterday and I have three others I want to cast on RIGHT NOW.

This manic activity is kind of freaking me out. I can't trust that this is just what good mental health feels like, or if  "Houston, we have a problem."

My headaches seem to finally be gone.

That is a very good thing. 

My blood work is all normal.

That is a very very good thing. 

I feel like I have too too many balls in the air and I am waiting for one of them, or all of them, to drop.

I am waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop. 

I don't trust myself. 

I don't trust feeling good. 

I don't trust.

Oh sure, I am getting things done but still and all I feel somewhat out of control. 

So for now I am using the Serenity prayer as my mantra:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

I am letting my streaks go.

I am being honest with myself about what I can and cannot do in a day. 

I am listening to that still small voice that is whispering to me that I am ok.

Not perfect. 

But ok. 

And getting better every day.

Yopping Update - testing testing

I

I have been working on the test knit for Celtic Knits and I am on the last section.  I am up to 388 stitches per row - so it is going more slowly now, but I love the pattern, and I already know who I am going to give this to when it is done.  Shhh - both the pattern and the recipient are a secret at the moment.

My sock test knit is coming along - I have turned the heel on the second sock so it will be easy-peasy to finish this.

I am still putting in quite a few rows every day on the scrappy bias shawl.  I am enjoying this knit very much and feeling good about using up my bits and bobs.

I also sorted out my worsted remnants so I have some tentative plans for some little Izzy dolls.

I did get some spinning done this week - about 1/2 an ounce.  It feels good to be back at the wheel.  I have left it set up in the living room so that I will do a little bit each day or so.  I am spinning wool that I processed myself - quite a learning curve - but I think it will be good once it is plyed.

On the down side I got a migraine on Thursday which is still with me so that sucks.  I am living on Tylenol every four hours.  I hope today I will be well enough to get to the pool as I just couldn't bear the bright lights and noise yesterday.

It has been an emotional week for me, and I was looking forward to my support group on Friday - but when I got there the sign on the door said it was cancelled this week and next.  I was pretty upset about that but fortunately I have an empathy buddy and we had a good talk on the phone that evening.  I was so grateful she was there for me when I really needed her.  I haven't really needed this for quite a few months so was glad to have her help to find my equilibrium once again.

I am still waiting for my knitpicks order.  It should be here soon.  They say it was shipped on January 3rd.  I can't wait to cast on the sweater I have planned for the cotton I ordered.

So that's it for me.  An up and down week - just like the treadle on my spinning wheel.

To follow my yopping friends, go here.

Not my circus. Not my monkeys.

This has been my mantra the last few days. I don't remember where or when I fist heard this expression but I do like it.

When I start to worry about other people's worries or situations I just recite to myself:

Not my circus. Not my monkeys.

It seems to help.

So today at yoga during Shavasana - I recited it a few times (ok, honestly for the whole ten minutes).

Then in the pool, while swimming laps, I recited it a few more times. Once I started doing drills for my breaststroke, and butterfly that seemed to quiet the monkey mind.

Yoga helps.

Swimming helps

and yes, not my circus, not my monkeys, helps.

Do you have mantras that help when you are fretting about things you can't do anything about?

If so, share.....I could probably use them in the future.

And by probably, I mean, definitely for sure.

Black and White

I started to knit this


in memory of my dear border collie, Maggie, who was my constant companion for 14 years.



The yarn is specifically called Border Collie by Ancient Arts - one of my favourite yarn companies. And the fiber is Blue-faced Leichester which is my favourite fiber.




I only had 50 gms, so decided to knit this cowl half the number of stitches, learning something new as I went - Brioche.

Then when it was started my daughter's black and white cat, Otis, went missing, and I was looking for him everywhere.
He finally answered my call last Tuesday night, and was back in my arms on Wednesday morning. The last week has been vet visits, anti-nausea pills twice a day, pain medication twice a day, food every couple of hours and keeping a close watch on this little guy who had fractured his pelvis in two places. Probably a run in with a car. Who knows? I wish he could tell me where he had been for those five days and nights.



He and I have become inseparable in the last week and I realize this little cowl I am knitting is his colour too.


Funny how life goes.

Or doesn't go.

He never was much of a cuddler, but now he cries to be up on the bed, or the couch beside me. He can't yet jump up himself, but he makes his desires well known.

He kneads and kneads at me, frantically, and I put up with his prickly claws because he seems so desperate for contact.

My anxiety is pretty high these days, I have been reluctantly attending to things I have promised to do, and cancelling things I could.

Last night I was suppose to go to my prayer meeting.

It is a gathering of friends, every two weeks, and we systematically ask for what we want and support each other in envisioning the reaching of our goals.

I couldn't think of anything I wanted.

Or not anything I wanted that I wanted to say out loud.

So I stayed in, grumpy, and worked on my brioche cowl. It is a fairly easy knit, quite therapeutic, but sometimes my stitch count gets off and it takes a few minutes to fuss it back into order.

Kinda like life.

Except life can take longer to fix, or fudge.

So I am knitting for Maggie, and for Otis, and for me.

I am knitting because honestly, I don't know what else to do.

What would I have asked for last night?

I want to feel safe.

Ya.

That's what I want.

Monkey Mind

Yesterday was the first day in a while that I had 'off'.  I didn't have to be anywhere, or do anything.

So of course I had to DO something.  So I went to this great Button store, and surprisingly I was in and out with the perfect buttons in ten minutes.

It was a beautful sunny day so I suggested to my husband that we head to the beach to have lunch at this lovely restaurant that overlooks the water.

We got a window seat, and we had a delicious lunch.  I was the designated driver (so my hubby could have a cider with his fish and chips) and so we headed back home around four with me in the driver's seat.

I kept feeling that I should be somewhere.  I kept telling myself, that, no, I had a free day.

I sat on the couch, caught up on a couple of episodic firehouse dramas, and worked on the test knit I am knitting.

Still, my mind was relentless.

I know what you are thinking.  That I had indeed forgotten something I was to do, or somewhere I was to be.

But no.  It truly was a free day.

Today I had an appointment at 8 am, and afterwards i decided what I really needed was a couple of hours at my favourite Korean Spa.  I am fighting a cold, and figured all the sweating would be a great idea.

I first went into the Earth room, which is a warm room heated with infrared.  I lay there, happy to be warm and decided to breathe deep, mediate and let the warmth build in me to sweat this damn cold out.

Breathe In.  Breathe Out.  Think of nothing but your breath.....

Hmmm.  I wonder what time it is?

Breathe.

Am I lying too close to the next person?

Breathe.

I am going to stay here at least five minutes.

No I am going to leave when the person beside me leaves.

Breathe.

F It.  I am going to go to the charcoal room, it is too hot in here.

The Charcoal room is a cooler room with Charcoal on the walls and buckets of charcoal set on tables.

Ok, here I go, meditate in this cool room for fifteen minutes.

I wonder why they put the charcoal in that design?

Breathe.  Focus.

I wonder what those women are whispering about?

Ahem.  Ok, monkey mind.....back on track.

I should have brought water with me.

What?

Now I have to go to the bathroom.  I always have to go to the bathroom after I have been in the charcoal room.

Ok,  maybe lying on my side would be better.  No, I know....the Salt room.  Yes I need to go lie on the blankets that are atop the hot rock salt.

Ahhhh..   this is perfect.  I could stay in here forever.

Man, it is so hot in here.  Maybe I could wiggle my sore elbow down into the salt.

Nope.  Too hot.

Ok, clearly time for the hot tub.

Yes the hot tub - I will set the timer for ten minutes, then I will have a scrub.

Wow, my breasts sure look odd the way they float up to the surface.  Really odd - like balloons or something.

At least the jet feels good on my low back.

Ok, I am done - must be almost ten minutes (more like five).

Clearly I need to shower and scrub away all this dead skin with the loofa.

Ya that is good.  Then I will go into the steam room.  That should help my cold.

Lying in the steam room I thought about all the steam room scenes in movies and how you can't see anything except steam.  This room isn't like that.  I wonder why?

I closed my eyes and kept trying to tame the monkey - when I opened my eyes the room was so full of steam I couldn't find the door.  And I forgot I was on the top tier and almost fell as I stepped onto what I thought was the floor but was actually nothing.

Hm?  That isn't safe.

Ok.  Back to the cold shower and then I will air dry in the sauna..

Nice....except now I am sweating, and I just showered, so I should go back to the charcoal room to cool off.

I lay in the charcoal room and started to recite the 23rd Psalm (which I never get in the right order) and so I switched to the Lord's Prayer.  I went back and forth a few times between the two prayers which made me think of a group called New Hope that used to sing a version of the 23rd psalm back in the 70s
.
I hummed it to myself a few times but then my monkey mind headed in a whole other direction so I decided it was time to get dressed and head home.

I had been there trying to relax for ninety minutes.

Now I am home.  I am going to watch some mindless television.

It is called mindless, because it is, but it also fools my monkey mind and allows me a break.

And even if the meditation was a fail, the spa experience wasn't.  My cold feels a bit better, and the heat and salt and charcoal made me feel better inside and out.

And now I can knit.

There is always knitting.

Because counting stitches, and reciting the pattern as I knit calms the monkey mind.

Until it doesn't.

And then my monkey mind convinces me to cast on something else, despite all the unfinished projects still on needles.

What?

I have to finish this post.  The dishes need doing.

After I finish this last row.....

Three Day Quote Challenge - Day One

I have been challenged by Edwina's Episodes and I accept.

“We have all hurt someone tremendously, whether by intent or accident. We have all loved someone tremendously, whether by intent or accident. It is an intrinsic human trait, and a deep responsibility, I think, to be an organ and a blade. But, learning to forgive ourselves and others because we have not chosen wisely is what makes us most human. We make horrible mistakes. It’s how we learn. We breathe love. It’s how we learn. And it is inevitable.” Nayyirah Waheed



This.

This is what I need to read to myself.

To say out loud.

To repeat.

To whisper.

A mantra.

To keep the demons at bay.

The soul intact.

The reality of this, my, human existence.

Human.

We are.

And here is where we will learn the greatest lessons.

Facebook Status Updates – the truth, just not the whole truth. Like or Dislike?

Is it just me?

Does anyone else post humourous, light-hearted status updates when they are feeling anything but light-hearted?

Sometimes I do this and I feel like a fraud.

Other times I think along the lines of 'fake it 'til you make it', reminding me of that song from 'The King and I' –

“I Whistle a happy tune.

And every single time

The happiness of the tune

Convinces me that I'm

Not afraid.”

So maybe posting upbeat status updates is a way to convince myself that I am not in a funk, that I can find delight in everyday things.

Besides who would want to read gloomy status updates?

Not me.

When I do read these kind of updates, I want to spring into action and fix things for others.

My children, over the years, have had a habit of posting song lyrics as status updates.

Of course, being out of the loop of today's music, I didn't know they were song lyrics and sometimes they were so dire, and cryptic that I would launch into mama tiger mode.

“It's a song lyric Mum!”  texted with exasperation.

Oh, (shouldn't there be a disclaimer when one posts song lyrics like, how about, dwmiasl (don't worry mum it's a song lyric)?

Knowing it's a song lyric should calm the anxiety, but sometimes the lyrics are so dark that I just fret and wonder why that particular song lyric was chosen.

Sigh.

It's hard living inside my head.

I have heard that Facebook is going to instigate a 'dislike' button.

Sometimes I have wished for a 'dislike' button when someone posts something I want to empathise with. But I predict, as have others, that this is going to get ugly.

As a melancholic I know it will get ugly for me. What if I post a happy update and people start pressing the dislike button?

I am on Ravelry.com and they have a 'disagree' button on their forums.

I had to disable seeing it – it made me crazy – not just the disagrees on things I posted, but the disagrees on things others had posted.

Perhaps if Mark Zuckerberg is reading this post (guffaw) he could consider allowing users to disable the dislike button.

Just a thought.

Oh, and Mark, if you are reading this, a share would be appreciated.

I would love a few more followers on this blog.

Status Update:

Camping in the HooDoos. Fog clearing to reveal blue, sunny skies. Sunset Tour with my hubby tonight. Doesn't get much better than this.

For Real.

Flat

That is how I feel.

Flat.

I did swim for fifty-one minutes today - doing my version of individual medley (I throw in the elementary backstroke instead of the butterfly). That felt pretty good.

I read a very interesting book on illness.

I sat in the sun.

But still, and all, today I just felt flat.

We went to the night market.

It was crowded, but manageable.

I did buy a very cute knitting project bag.

I did run into a student I had taught for five years. She introduced me to someone as her second mom.

The music?

Not so good.

We went to another night concert.

The music?

Equally, not so good.

The food was ok.

The popcorn was ok.

The sour keys were ok.

The Mexican coke was pretty good.

(Coca Cola you guys.....sheesh!)

I woke up today not wanting to do anything or see anybody.

I think I am going to bed in the same frame of mind.

I kind of want to go to the folk festival tomorrow, but I am afraid to spend all that money, drive all that way, navigate the crowds and still feel flat.

That would be silly.

Here's hoping

"the sun'll come up tomorrow,

Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow

There'll be sun."

If I can just find that sock it will all be ok

Yup, the washer is broken, but just the timer, so I can do a load of laundry as long as I go downstairs every few minutes to advance the cycle.

The dryer is working so there's that.

I was having an anxious day - trying to order a new washer via the internet.

Trying to help my brother use the internet to book some air tickets.

The internet is making me crazy enough these days.

Dryer done.

Folding and putting away laundry always makes me feel better.

And my husband was out of socks and underwear, so doing the laundry was definitely going to make him feel better.

Once laundry was all folded I noticed one of a pair of socks was missing.

No big deal.

As Rubber Shoes in Hell would say - 'hahahahafuckingha'!

I checked the washer.

No errant sock.

I checked the dryer.

Nope.

I looked under the bed, the dresser and inside the leg of the pants I was wearing when I last wore them.

Nope, nope, and nope.

I sat down on the couch while my husband and brother continued to tackle the internet/airline ticket challenge.

I got up and checked all my husband's t-shirts because sometimes socks like to hide in there.

Nope.

Hmmm.

Down on the couch again.

Where is that f-ing sock?

This is what happens to me. I believe (I know, magical thinking) that if I can just match up socks the rest of my life will be so much more ordered.

Where could that sock be?

Check the dish towel drawer - you put away a bunch of dish towels.

Nope.

There was that one big bath towel.

I shook it out.

Ta-Da!

Sock found.

That feels better.

See?

I am not a total failure.

See?

I can wash a pair of socks, and dry them and get them into the drawer as a matched set. (You can sing this line to the tune of I AM WOMAN by Peggy Lee - just sayin')


Any less anxious?

Nope.


I bet you all thought I was looking for a hand-knit.

hahahahahahafuckingha!