Rosary

After my mother died I was given two of her rosaries.  One I wore religiously when my sister was very ill, and when we celebrated her return to health I gave it to her.

The other has hung on my bedroom door for years.

Yesterday I took it down and really looked at it and realized one bead was missing.  I looked through my beads and found one to repair the chain.

I then looked up the meaning of the different beads of a Catholic Rosary.  It is quite fascinating on an intellectual level, but the words didn't speak to me.

I knew there was an Anglican Rosary - with fewer beads and different prayers.  Again it was interesting but not what I was after.

So I have decided to do some research into words that truly speak to my heart and to create my own rosary prayers to use while meditating.

I found an idea for the ten beads in each decade and so I took the idea and changed some of the words. The mnemonic for the ten Beads is A Star Child:

The original idea comes from Astral Unity  and the prayers were:

01. May our energy be directed only to positive Acts.
02. May our collective energy bring healing to the Sick.
03. May we be pure in our Thoughts.
04. May All life energies coexist in peace.
05. May we be strong enough to Resist the ways of darkness.
06. May we Celebrate the passing of life energy back to the universe.
07. May we live in Harmony with other life energies.
08. May our path be forever Illuminated.
09. May humankind be unified in Love.
10. May our energy bring light where there is Darkness.

I liked the idea but I needed to find words that were more positive and meaningful to me:
A - Aspiration

S -  Speech
T - Thoughts
A - Actions
R - Resllence

C - Compassion
H-  Healing
I -  Illumination
L - Love
D - Deepening Connections

For the crucifix I start with  the Angel Meditation given by Rudolf Steiner that invokes the angels, archangels and archai.

Then after the 23 Psalm the next three beads will be Inclusion, Courage, and Truth.

On the Mary medallion I will start with this verse by Rudolf Steiner:

The stars spake once to humanity 
It is world destiny that they are silent now.
The silence is pain for earthly humanity.
But in the deepening silence there grows and ripens what humanity speaks to the stars. 
To be aware of the speaking 
Can become strength for spirit-humanity.

Followed by the first decade meditation A STAR CHILD.

2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th large bead between the decades:

Imbue thyself with the power of imagination, have courage for the truth, sharpen thy feeling for responsibility of soul.

followed by A STAR CHILD meditation for each of the next four decades.

The 2nd time at the Mary medallion:

Imbue thyself with the power of imagination, have courage for the truth, sharpen thy feeling for responsibility of soul.

Back to the three beads of  Inclusion, Courage and Truth

Large bead before the cross - Psalm 91:4

He will cover you with his feathers and under his wings you will find refuge, his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart

Ending where I began - at the cross - with a prayer of thanks to the Trinity. 


So there it is.   I am feeling very hopeful and excited to try this to aid me in my meditation. In my first try it took 14 minutes.  I can work with that.

Blessings to you all this third week of Advent.

51 Yops - Old dog, four new tricks

First of all Happy Father's Day to all who father in whatever capacity. My dh must have liked the socks I knit him for Father's Day because they were on his feet seconds after he received them.

I know I should have been working on Iona squares this week, and I did get one finished and another started, but then as I was making my list of things to do for next year's YOP challenge, one item became a thing I had to cast on immediately.

I have had the Double Heelix in my list of things to do for years, and the Kroy yarn I received a couple of weeks ago seemed like the right combination. I love fraternal socks - they appeal to my weird sense of symmetry. And the helix? That appeals to the math geek in me.

This sock starts......are you ready for this.....at the heel! First new trick.


And to make things really interesting it forms a helix, where the colours chase themselves around the centre using four strands of yarn. This picture is my first attempt which I ripped out and re-did. Second time was better. Third time better still.

Once the heel is done you do a crochet bindoff, and them make a crochet chain bridge (second new trick) so you can go on to knit either the foot or the cuff. These crochet bindoffs are provisional so you can pick up the stitches and knit the other direction seamlessly.

For the first sock I did the foot first, which ends with a short row toe - third new trick.




Then for the leg, it ends with an interlock bindoff - fourth new trick. Thank goodness for Jeny's videos to help me with both the helix heel and the bindoff.



I am almost finished the leg of the second sock and then I will go onto the foot. This means my helixes (is that even a word?) will go in opposite directions. This was a challenge for my left/right issues, but I figured it out with only having to tink back one row of knitting and all the crochet chains to get the helix going in the right direction. (When in doubt follow the directions).



This week I also made a knitter knocker for a dear friend who had a mastectomy earlier this month. I have finished one, and I am making a second a bit smaller. I will mail them off to her, and then make another the size she prefers.
y.

My doctor started me on a new anti-anxiety med and it seems to be helping (fingers and toes crossed, knocking on wood, etc. etc.) Despite both of us having the flu this past week (I think our honorary grand-daughters passed it on to us), things feel lighter somehow. So that is a good thing, even though the team I was rooting for in the Stanley Cup lost. :(

On a personal note I have had a candle lit all week for my dear brother-in-law who is very ill. If you have prayers or angels or a meditation practice I know he and his loved ones would appreciate all the good thoughts sent their way.

Kwadugu Manu - one of the 276 kidnapped Nigerian girls

Kwadugu Manu

I am praying for you.
For your safety.
For you to have strength that I cannot even imagine.
For you to survive to tell your stories, and to live free and laugh once again.
I can't begin to understand why this has happened to you and all those other women.
I can't understand.
But, I want you to know I am praying.
I will keep you in my thoughts and pray you are being held
sheltered in the wings of god.
You, and the others, are being prayed for.
It doesn't seem like enough, but it is what I can do.
It is what we can do.

Kwadugu Manu
I am praying for you.
And your sisters.
And for all that are missing you tonight.

Finally

I realized this morning as I was waking up and stretching that my arm is finally fully healed. I have been swimming for the past two weeks and it was feeling strong, but finally it fully extends when I am lying on my stomach without that weird bend it used to do. Happy? Yes, that makes me happy.
I feel like I am finally recovered from my sore feet, my broken arm, and my surgery. Finally.

I had tea with a dear friend yesterday and admitted to her that when things go wrong, as they often do, I feel so profoundly disappointed. More so than when I was younger. I think this is a feature of aging. There is only so much time left and I don't want to spend it being sick, or sore, or having truck problems (my latest disappointment).

However the truck problem seemed to have been an easy(?) fix and besides there are people experiencing much worse things than I am.

Mental health issues, health issues, relationship issues, money issues, work issues, family issues, all of which I am, for the moment, free of.

Finally.

So I am going to enjoy that. For the time being. Head out for a walk to the library, meet up with my knitting friends tonight, run a few errands.

Because disappointment comes. It is always around the corner. But for today? Today I am not going to go looking for it.

And I will spend some time praying for those I love.

Because I can.

I would do it if I could

A death, an illness (or three), a family struggle and here I sit in the sun on the back porch unable to do anything.

"Can I do anything?", I ask. "You could take the treatment for me, and I would be the one to get better", he replied.

I would, if I could.

A few years ago my younger brother put together a dvd of family photographs - a slide show - with the soundtrack of ColdPlay's 'Fix You' playing in the background.

I sobbed uncontrollably the first time I watched it. Pictures of my mother and father and siblings from a time long ago. A time when, in my mind, we were the quintessential happy family.

I still weep when I see it - I weep out of poignancy, out of regret, out of feelings of missing my father so profoundly, out of realizing that in those photos there was still possibility.

The possibility that cancer wouldn't strike, a virus wouldn't strike, estrangement wouldn't strike.

I think, as the proverbial middle child, I have just wanted to fix everything for everyone. I think in the process I broke things, especially myself.

Lately the phrase "Depression is anger turned inward" has been rattling around inside my brain. I don't like this phrase; I never had. The first time I heard it a fourteen year old boy I know was struggling with anxiety and sadness. I blamed myself for not being able to fix it. I blamed myself for perhaps being the cause.

Recently I remarked to my husband that I was trying to protect him from something that brings him frustration. The content doesn't matter. What he told me does. "You are not responsible for my issues around this. You don't have to fix it for me."

I don't have to fix it. Now, there's a thought.

Last night I remember feeling 'Why won't anyone let me help them?" Because, dear one, it is not your job to fix everything. Sometimes in the midst of family struggles and health issues, and angst it is your job to be there, to listen, to help if asked, to not burden them with your anxiety, to let go and let god.

And sometimes, as a stanger told be yesterday, you have to give it time. Time for wounds to heal, and memories to fade.

And, dear one, that time is not a day, or a week, but perhaps months or years.

So listen up - you don't have to fix everything. You have to remember "It will be alright in the end. If it is not alright, it is not the end".

I have to trust that if someone needs my help they will ask. If someone wants to see me they will call. If someone has something to say they will say it.

Meanwhile I have prayer, compassion, and a shoulder to cry on. I thank god for that shoulder, that companionship, that often silent support.

So I am praying the chemo will work, the move will unfold smoothly, and that time will, in fact, heal all wounds. I am not sure about the last one - for some wounds to heal there has to be forgiveness, and I know I am not there yet.

I don't know if I believe there can be forgiveness without an apology, or explanation having been given. I am told there can be, but I don't know if that is true for me.

As I said at the beginning: I would if I could.

Rain on the roof

Home from a wonderful, calm, relaxed weekend in the camper. Rain, good food, beautiful mist on the ocean, companionship, and campfires. Last night awoken by a huge windstorm at 3am, and then rain on the roof of the camper.

When I was diagnosed, Brian asked me what I wanted to do. "I want to camp with you and hear the rain on the roof of our camper".

Another prayer granted.