Who would you be?

In the middle of an anxiety attack last Monday my naturopath asked me who I would be if the worse possible thing happened.

My replies were about who I wouldn't be. What I would be missing.

No, she asked, who would you be?

I know people who have had the worst happen.

They still know who they are.

When I talk about who I am it is about being a mother, a wife, a teacher.

But those things aren't really who I am.

Who am I?

I am an almost sixty year old woman.

I have many very good friends. Friends who would do anything they could to help me.

I have two children who would do whatever they could to help me.

I have siblings who would be there for me if I asked.

And yet,

when anxiety struck last Monday - I mean capital A N X I E T Y struck last Monday I was paralyzed.

I cried a lot.

I hurt a lot.

And then?

Then I started to reach out.

Slowly at first - tentative conversations.

Cancelling some social engagements.

Picking up the phone, even when I couldn't bear the thought of a conversation.

Calling the doctor - even though I was afraid.

Reaching out to loved ones, even though their plates are full enough.

Who am I?

I am a woman who is loved and respected by many, many people.

I am a woman who will go to great lengths to avoid conflict while all the while remaining conflicted within myself.

I am a woman who finds peace in knitting, and swimming and yoga.

I am a woman who struggles with anxiety and depression, but refuses to give up.

I almost gave up this week.

But I didn't.

I am a survivor. Or rather,

I am surviving.

And today?

Today, that is the best I can do.