Monday, June 1, 2015

Who would you be?

In the middle of an anxiety attack last Monday my naturopath asked me who I would be if the worse possible thing happened.

My replies were about who I wouldn't be. What I would be missing.

No, she asked, who would you be?

I know people who have had the worst happen.

They still know who they are.

When I talk about who I am it is about being a mother, a wife, a teacher.

But those things aren't really who I am.

Who am I?

I am an almost sixty year old woman.

I have many very good friends. Friends who would do anything they could to help me.

I have two children who would do whatever they could to help me.

I have siblings who would be there for me if I asked.

And yet,

when anxiety struck last Monday - I mean capital A N X I E T Y struck last Monday I was paralyzed.

I cried a lot.

I hurt a lot.

And then?

Then I started to reach out.

Slowly at first - tentative conversations.

Cancelling some social engagements.

Picking up the phone, even when I couldn't bear the thought of a conversation.

Calling the doctor - even though I was afraid.

Reaching out to loved ones, even though their plates are full enough.

Who am I?

I am a woman who is loved and respected by many, many people.

I am a woman who will go to great lengths to avoid conflict while all the while remaining conflicted within myself.

I am a woman who finds peace in knitting, and swimming and yoga.

I am a woman who struggles with anxiety and depression, but refuses to give up.

I almost gave up this week.

But I didn't.

I am a survivor. Or rather,

I am surviving.

And today?

Today, that is the best I can do.



14 comments:

  1. Good for you for reaching out. Sometimes that's the hardest thing.

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  2. You have a wise naturopath.
    And courage, you have courage. Yep you do.
    xo Carole

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  3. Congratulations.
    ...and you forgot intelligence and bravery and compassion and humour and...

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    1. thank you - I also forgot my wonderful dh who is so supportive when I go through all of this.

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  4. You didn't include brave. It's brave to face the anxiety, admit it's there and then ask for help. Been there, got the t-shirt as they say. I'm glad you did reach out, sometimes you cannot battle these demons alone and good to know you have a supportive network to help you. Hope you're feeling less anxious now.

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    1. a little less, but still present....but less is good, it is going in the right direction.

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  5. I am sorry that you went through such an awful attack. Thank goodness you reached out, You are a lovely, talented woman, with a kind heart, and a fantastic sense of humour, Don't forget how supportive you are to others as well, despite the fact that you are suffering yourself. I hope you are starting to feel a little better, xx

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    1. baby steps...but going in the right direction. Thanks for your kindness and caring.

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  6. Your response of who you wouldn't be is very interesting and also a starting point - sometimes knowing what we definitely do not want, guides us to what we do want; or in this case, knowing what you are not will help you find what and who you are and what you would be.
    I am sorry to learn that you have had such distress but you handled it. You know how to handle it now. Put the plan into action and reach out to your support network, which you did. :-) Does it give you any comfort to know that you have the resources both internally and externally to cope should there be a next time? Wishing you a sense of triumph as a survivor. :-)

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  7. it does help to know I have resources, but in the throes of a particularly bad attack I have trouble putting the resources to use. Such is the way with this illness.

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  8. you are forever one of my very favorite people,gentle and loving from the inside out. i am so sorry you are hurting. you have no idea how many people love you!
    XOXO Kimber

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  9. yes, simply managing to go through something is the best thing one can achieve, sometimes.

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