I have raised my children.
I have retired from my job (sort of).
What do I offer the world now?
What is my purpose? Yes, that is the question. What is my purpose now?
Last week I spent a few days at the High School evaluating two teachers - so there is some purpose there. During one of the lessons a student asked me for some help with their homework - and I did help - so there is that.
I go to my Coda meeting and my meeting at Hope Centre and I have some input sometimes and perhaps what I have to say helps someone.
I think my question is bigger. My purpose in life - what is it.
I got up late today - and had to hurry off to Coda so as not to be late. Still, everytime I go there I seem to have an epiphany either while there or on the way home. Today I walked home from the meeting. I passed a few other walkers and nodded, said hello, acknowledged their dog, or their child in the stroller.
And the thought hit me.
Maybe my purpose is to just be me. To smile at those I pass on the street. To acknowledge the lost and lonely, or the triumphant and proud. To meet human to human if even for just a moment - to let others know they are not alone.
To let myself know I am not alone.
When I get like 'this' I don't want to answer the phone, or the door, and if someone I know pops into view at the pool or grocery store I want to hide.
But maybe, just maybe, if I think of the other and stop for a moment to say hello and exchange a few pleasantries it will be enough. Baby steps towards not feeling so lonely - even though my loneliness is self imposed.
I have been trying to find the Why, in the What which I do everyday. The swimming, the knitting, the gym, the work, the walking and even the eating and the sleeping.
I have been in almost chronic pain for the past couple of months - and the sleeping hours are the worse. I usually wake up in alot of pain, but it does ease up considerably during the day as long as I don't aggravate it.
Of course - everything aggravates it - dishes, sweeping, reaching, driving, lifting, and don't even mention knitting, or swimming.
My other epiphany today was to stop. Just stop all the things that aggravate it - because I can't knit just a few minutes and I realize that texting or doing crosswords on my phone also aggravate it and doing those things left handed is too hard.
So except for watching you tubes the phone will only be used for - wait for it - phone calls. To use whatsapp, or facebook messenger I will use my computer because typing with two hands doesn't aggravate the tendon like using my thumb to text does.
So that is today. I did take another try at painting the bleeding hearts that are blooming outside my front door. I was happier with today's effort.
And then I spent some time on my Croatian exercises because there is definitely a purpose to that.
It is not that the pity party is totally over. But it is winding down I think.
And that is a good thing, no?
Chronic pain is a horrible thing. I had a problem with my shoulder some years back and I too was finding it hard to sleep, couldn't function when I woke until the painkillers kicked in and yes I was tired! So tired! and consequently down. It's understandable you feel this way, especially when you are used to being busy and doing things. Acknowledging this is half the battle. I hope that your pain lessens. Are you having any physio for it? Or is surgery going to be an option? But that cute grandaughter of yours is definitely a reason to carry on and if all you focus on at the moment is learning Croatian, think how fluent you will be the next time you see her.
ReplyDeleteI hear so much of what you're saying Mary-Anne and dealing with chronic pain while finding what your purpose is can be doubly hard. Doing anything while exhausted from pain and lack of sleep is difficult and feeling the way you do is perfectly understandable. Just being you seems like a wonderful place to begin finding your purpose, it may be that you are pleasantly surprised along the way to finding it.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you were able to find some answers to your internal question. You are important in many. little ways. And you do what you can without pain. The craft world is big out there and there are so many things to try while you heal.
ReplyDeleteOf course your purpose is simply being; you are important the way you are. But I'm so sorry you're dealing with chronic pain. I hope it gets better.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate all you wrote, Mary Anne. While I did not retire in the traditional sense, I have reached that stage in life where I think many of us ask the kinds of questions you're asking. I am so grateful for this time that while it has difficulties, at the same time there is opportunity and time for doing this kind of soul-searching. And time and patience and perspective for doing things that may seem small to "the world", but will count for eternity - like offering kindness and love and encouragement to others. Speaking wisdom and truth. Praying for others... These things aren't just "enough". They are the most important. I'm seeing this stage of life as finally doing the most important things...
ReplyDeleteAs I was reading, I was questioning "Why does there need to be a purpose in life? Who set down that rule? Where did that value come from? Why can you not just 'be'? " so I was extra relieved when you came to the conclusion on your own that perhaps your 'purpose' was to be yourself. That is enough. You are enough.
ReplyDeleteYou don't need to be constantly doing things or satisfying the needs of others to be valued and worthy. You are valued and worthy because of who you are and not what you do or how much you do.
It seems like you need some self care and rest. Take a break from all that thinking and just enjoy moment to moment, in each moment, so you can recharge your batteries and feel better. Take it easy on yourself xx
The comments left by others seem to have covered a lot of what I was going to say. I ask myself the same questions, as at 46 I’m too young to class myself as retired, but I don’t work or want to work! I remember an episode of Oprah talking about finding ones Life Purpose. I hear that voice ringing in my head often, I think it’s part of the human condition, to ask ourselves these questions and ponder the meaning of life, the universe and everything.
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