I have been attending a twelve step program for 7 weeks. It had been suggested by a therapist and then another friend that I try CoDA (co-dependents anonymous). Ok, so now it is not so anonymous.
Each month they focus on the step that corresponds with that month. At yesterday's meeting I was looking through the list of behaviours that one could call shortcomings, or survival techniques.
I recognized more than a few of them.
- procrastination (avoidance)
- needing to do something about what we are feeling
- fear of letting go and trusting
- fear of what others may think or feel about us
- fear of others' anger
- dishonesty
- manipulation (overt or covert)
- isolation
So why am I posting this? (She asks herself). Because I am taking crazy back. Because I don't want these behaviours to control me anymore. Because I am healing and attempting to be honest with both myself and others. Because after these meetings I can be quite sad and tired as I deal with new information, remember memories I had forgotten or ignored, and integrate stories I hear with my own stories.
We all have stories.
Step seven is "Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings." To remove those things that have kept me safe all these 55+ years is a huge leap of faith.
But I have faith.
I do.
Socrates said "the unexamined life is not worth living."
I believe that.
I do.
I just wish that it didn't have to hurt so much.
And it doesn't.
Not all the time at least.
Not. All. The. Time.
I hear you on all those behaviours. It's hard to let go of something that has helped you through for decades. It hurts like crazy but knowing that the grass on the other side of the hurt is not just greener but also softer really helps to get you through. Sending you hugs and strength.
ReplyDeletethank you. It feels good to talk about it and be heard and understood.
DeleteHugs, friend. Your vulnerable posts often touch areas in my own life that need examining. I wish you success on this journey. And as you give peeks into your journey, I hope I learn some things... about myself, and about others.
ReplyDeleteKudos to you on being a warrior and "taking crazy back." You are brave to post about this 7-step program. I'm rootin' for you all the way!
ReplyDeleteSO BRAVE and bold and wise and wonderful... I kind of live in all of the aforementioned shortcomings. And avoid looking at them. To survive.
ReplyDeleteFail.
xxx yay you. xxx
Well done you! Talking about these things is such a big step.
ReplyDeleteHasn't it been said somewhere that 'one cannot cross a chasm in a single step - it takes a giant leap'. Maybe it takes a bit of both - single steps add up and give momentum for that leap.
ReplyDeletePerhaps this blog entry should go on your list of 100 brave things. It takes courage to share such personal information and allow your vulnerability to become visible. Hugs to you my brave friend. xx