Maybe it is the incessant rain. Maybe it is the pain in my hip and back. Maybe it is the constant itching of a spot on my leg. Whatever it is I am going nowhere fast. And by nowhere I mean down.
I know that depression lies. I know I have much to be thankful for.
I just can't see it right now.
Eating isn't much fun these days. I have a gnawing pain that comes and goes in my stomach. I am getting to the pool almost every day and that is, as always, a saving grace.
My son is here and we are spending time together, playing board games and card games, but still, and all, I am feeling flat. Actually lower that flat.
I am working a bit this week, but I feel like a fraud. Who am I to tell another teacher how to better handle a class of unruly children? I can not handle my own unruly self.
I keep looking out the window. The sun is shining and the chestnut tree across the street is a riot of orange and yellow.
Still, and all, I am not feeling it.
I should get out in the sunshiine. I should walk in the fall leaves. I should eat something besides the banana I had an hour ago.
I did the dishes. I made the bed. I will get dressed after I finish writing this because I do have to go to work in an hour and the school is not ready to see me in my pajamas.
I did get my handouts ready to mail off to the administration for the courses I am teaching in November.
I am getting some things done. But still the dust bunnies are mocking me, as are the spider webs in the corner of the bathroom, and what the fuck is up with the itchy spot on my leg?
I saw the doctor yesterday for a flu shot, and I should have told her about how I was in a downward spiral, but I didn't.
I did make an appointment for Thursday to talk to her so I have taken hold of myself to some degree.
I do have a physio appointment tomorrow for my hip and back, and so I can tell myself I am not a lazy poo-head and that I am not giving in to giving up.
Still, and all, it is a hard fall. I mean that literally and metaphorically.
I have a book entitled Learning to Fall.
You would think after all this time I would be better at it.
I know there’s few words that can really help combat a downward spiral, but I heard Dax Shepard say on his armchair expert podcast that when he feels it coming on he knows things he can do that will help him turn it around and exercise for him is key, plus about 4 other things he does. It has got me thinking about what my 4 or 5 things may be that help turn around a downtown for me. I’m sure exercise is key, but know all too well how tricky it is to get the energy to do anything, so it’s great you are swimming. Best wishes and I hope you are able to enjoy the remaining time with your son. Xx
ReplyDeleteWho could be better than you to teach another teacher how to handle unruly children? You're brave, and you're strong, and you're a beautiful person, and no matter how often you fall, you always manage to get back up. You may not believe it at this very moment but deep down inside you know that you CAN and you WILL get through. Besides, you get so much more done on a bad day than I on a mediocre one. Hang in there, and if it's any help, I'm sending good wishes.
ReplyDeleteThere is often no rhyme or reason behind why or when we fall but you are very self aware and already putting steps in place to help yourself. You've got this. Get your doctor to check out your leg while you're there though.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you, friend. I think you fall with a fair amount of grace. Your words so eloquently express what you're experiencing. No advice. But lot's of love for a beautiful lady - inside and out. Even if you're not feeling it. You are. And you inspire me. Not because of how much you get done, or the beautiful things you make - or anything like that. You inspire me because of how you see the world. And how well you share it here.
ReplyDeleteI have no words either, other than I hope you are speaking to your doctor right now. Nothing I could say right now will help, but rest assured there is no one better to teach our children but someone as strong and eloquent as you.
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