Winter

Gray upon gray
Rain upon rooftop
Hurt upon sorrow

Pondering pain
Wondering if this is where I will find my compassion
For one who drowned her sorrows in vodka
Wondering if it was really all just about survival
and trying not to give up when despair overwhelmed

"I've got to get going" a mantra heard over the years
until finally the realization that it was no longer possible
and in that realization
the final severing of hope

The anger, the disappointment, the shame
of judging one who simply didn't have the
capacity to help herself.

For one who gave up too soon
out of pride or despair or ignorance.

I wish you had reached out to me
I wish I had tried harder to reach out to you
I wish that our love would have been enough
but now realize that your love wasn't enough

It wasn't about me. It was about you
and I didn't think past my own disappointment
to see that there was another side to it all

Finally after all these years I saw you through someone else's eyes.
Someone with more compassion who had the chance to know you
when your guard was down

And in knowing you that way
was able to forgive

Now it's my turn.