Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Black and White

I started to knit this

in memory of my dear border collie, Maggie, who was my constant companion for 14 years.

The yarn is specifically called Border Collie by Ancient Arts - one of my favourite yarn companies. And the fiber is Blue-faced Leichester which is my favourite fiber.

I only had 50 gms, so decided to knit this cowl half the number of stitches, learning something new as I went - Brioche.

Then when it was started my daughter's black and white cat, Otis, went missing, and I was looking for him everywhere.
He finally answered my call last Tuesday night, and was back in my arms on Wednesday morning. The last week has been vet visits, anti-nausea pills twice a day, pain medication twice a day, food every couple of hours and keeping a close watch on this little guy who had fractured his pelvis in two places. Probably a run in with a car. Who knows? I wish he could tell me where he had been for those five days and nights.

He and I have become inseparable in the last week and I realize this little cowl I am knitting is his colour too.

Funny how life goes.

Or doesn't go.

He never was much of a cuddler, but now he cries to be up on the bed, or the couch beside me. He can't yet jump up himself, but he makes his desires well known.

He kneads and kneads at me, frantically, and I put up with his prickly claws because he seems so desperate for contact.

My anxiety is pretty high these days, I have been reluctantly attending to things I have promised to do, and cancelling things I could.

Last night I was suppose to go to my prayer meeting.

It is a gathering of friends, every two weeks, and we systematically ask for what we want and support each other in envisioning the reaching of our goals.

I couldn't think of anything I wanted.

Or not anything I wanted that I wanted to say out loud.

So I stayed in, grumpy, and worked on my brioche cowl. It is a fairly easy knit, quite therapeutic, but sometimes my stitch count gets off and it takes a few minutes to fuss it back into order.

Kinda like life.

Except life can take longer to fix, or fudge.

So I am knitting for Maggie, and for Otis, and for me.

I am knitting because honestly, I don't know what else to do.

What would I have asked for last night?

I want to feel safe.


That's what I want.


  1. But you know what? What you call " fairly easy", I'd call bloody difficult! You set very high standards for yourself my grumpy friend. That cowl is a loose knit with plenty of stretch and give.
    Wise choice.
    Your anxiety is giving you a hard time... a pox on it... but your true self, the wise and resilient and loving Mary-Anne, is instinctively working on the cure.
    We will never feel safe because we cannot protect those we love from hurting. Or ourselves for hurting for them.
    But we keep them always in our hearts and try to make something warm, practical and beautiful from what we have. Stretch and give.
    Double mwah.
    I love this piece of writing for its truth and bravery and what wonderful things it tells me about you.

  2. ... Edited version...
    ...ourselves from hurting for them...
    Pardon my prepositional stumble...

  3. Anxiety sucks, literally. Hang in there. So glad you found your cat. Time will heal his injuries. I hope in time you will feel better but you are right not to push too hard.

  4. Oh no! So glad the kitty came back home! Here's hoping for quick recoveries and calm times for both of you!

  5. That cowl was meant to be. Look at all of the signs telling you it wants to be made by you and when it is done, it will warm you and make you feel special in return. :-)


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