Migraines and dark thoughts

Why is it so hard to write when things are good and positive, and so easy when things take a turn.

The turn, the other shoe dropping, was a migraine aura ten minutes before the end of class yesterday. There I was, helping a student with base-8 math and I could barely see the page because of the wavy lines.

So, migraine medication, and home to bed. Except this time, the medication didn't stave off the headache, so hear I am after a restless, painful night, still with a headache. I know, you are all saying, and why are you writing on a computer screen?

Maybe I am hoping if I write down the bad dreams that plagued me all night I can return to bed, bad dream free.

And so, the dream. Me against my colleagues. All of them in one circle and me on the outside. A very good friend of mine telling me to shut up. Another good friend telling everyone I wasn't even a 'trained' waldorf teacher. Everyone squeezing through a small opening to an inner room, where my stuff was, and I couldn't fit through the opening. (What would Freud say about that....a field day, I think). Trying to drive a barely operable vehicle full of garbage, across newly seeded lawns and flower beds. Dead ends. Wrong turns. Getting into spaces I couldn't get out of. As I write this down it really is a picture of what is transpiring at my school right now amongst the faculty in light of the way raises were assigned this year.

So, even though I am exhausted, and headachy, I am up having coffee and tylenol, because who wants to stay in a bed full of those kind of images.

I am trying hard to hold my equanimity at school. Mostly I am succeeding, especially if I stay in the comfort of my classroom with 13 lovely, crazy students. I am getting tired of the A tells B, B tells C, C tells D, and then D tells Mary-Anne. Really? A couldn't have spoken to me directly? Really? What are we 12? Really? My Grade Eight students behave better than that, most of the time.

And speaking of my Grade Eight students I had a lovely pot-luck dinner with 7 of them last night. Headache and all, I had a great time. And then I picked my son up from his restaurant so we could chat on the drive home. We have been missing each other. So, yesterday wasn't all bad, by any means.

And now that I have written down the dark thoughts, the light is shining through again. I can focus on what is really important - Brian and I, and our future.

As I head into by 56th year I need to start taking care of me and what is truly important. I need to keep working on my list of things to do when I retire. So far my list is:
1) Organize photos
2) Learn French
3) Learn to belly dance (don't ask, I dreamt this too)
4) de-junk house
5) sell said house
6) volunteer somewhere (downtown eastside?)
7) Camp. Alot!

And so, today, once I get rid of this headache, I will spend the day with Brian, school free!