sometimes I don't answer the phone....

There are many times when the phone rings, and I see the caller id and I don't answer the phone. I don't know why I even check the caller id because when I find myself doing this, I know that I won't answer it no matter who is calling. I know that when I am in one of those 'moods' that I haven't the energy to converse.

It is usually when something is weighing on me, something that I am not ready to talk about, maybe will never be able to talk about. I can't talk about it because it is nameless, and formless, and illusive.

I feel guilt for not answering the phone. Sometimes I don't call back for days, taking that time to muster my strength to engage in relationship.

I have an intuitive sister, and an intuitive friend, and an intuitive daughter. They don't let me not answer the phone. They force their way in and force me to be in relationship. I am so honoured that they love me enough to push their way in when I am busy bolting doors. So grateful for their support in this lifetime.

Reaching out to another is very difficult for me, and I am not sure why. My husband stalwartly perseveres when I am like this. He is patient. He is kind. He doesn't let me wallow, but he gives me space. I am not so patient, or understanding to him, but he loves me despite that. I love him because of it.

My friend will phone suggesting coffee. My sister will phone just to chatter away and then to ask the question, and pause, and wait, and listen for the answer. It is usually long, and complicated, not well told, and spoken through tears - the gasping sob of tears. But she listens, and always at the end tells me she loves me, and makes me promise not to keep things from her. She loves me like a mother should love a child. And I, a motherless child, am grateful for it.

I have not been posting to this blog so much lately. I am not sure why. Partly because things are going so well in my classroom and often my blogs are triggered by classroom events. Partly because I share personal feelings in this blog and that has been used against me. Perhaps that is why I don't reach out when I am sad and lonely. Perhaps it is because I believe it will be used against me. My mother always told me not to air dirty laundry. Perhaps I should have listened to her advice in that area.

I have only a few friends that I share this blog with. Mostly family. Family I consider friends. But it is not such an easy distinction. I have family members that know who I truly am, and I have family where we are 'polite' and 'politic'. I have family I wish I saw more, and family I wish sought to understand me better. I have family I wish I could talk to. I have family that I miss.

I could write all of those sentences about friends as well. So, that in itself is interesting.

And my children? My children, I think, I know alot about, and they know alot about me. I think we share our highs and lows, and we all feel better talking truly one to the other.

Is it ever really enough? I have the respect and love of many, and the dis-respect and mis-understanding from a few. And those few stay in my conciousess and sub-conciousness continually. Someone told me recently it is because I love them. And I do. I love them. And I know that sometimes loving someone is not enough. I know that sometimes loving someone leaves you open and vulnerable. I know that sometimes loving someone is not enough.

And for my part in that I am truly sorry and would like to ask forgiveness. Although it seems that relationship is not possible, I will move forward with no ill will or anger.

It is not useful. It is not healthy. It is not who I choose to be.

So if the phone rings I will have the courage and selflessness to answer it. For, in the end, I always feel better being in, rather than out of, relationship with others.

And rather than relying on the intuition of others, I can rely on my own initiative.

So, if you are reading this expect a call. I hope you answer.