The little orange pill

At 10am I finally got up, my stomach in knots.  And no, that isn't a knitting metaphor.

I pulled down my anti-depressants, my vitamin d, my glutathione, and the little orange pill.  I brewed the coffee, and sat down weeping.

I took all the pills with the first gulp of coffee, all except the little orange pill.  I just sat there looking at it.

My doctor tells me to take it if I need it.  I need it.  But I don't want to need it.  So I just looked at it.

We talked.  We wept.  My dear husband made me eat something - a little something.  Then he asked me if I wanted to go to the pool  

I did.

I put the pill back in the bottle hoping the swim would be enough.

It was a good swim.  A peaceful swim.

When I left the pool I decided to go to the mall to get some things for Christmas.  The parking lot was busy, but I hung in there and managed to get parking.

I found the store I was looking for, and even got a deal on what I was looking for.  I found the second store, close to tears, but persevered and made the purchase.  It was huge.  What was I trying to buy?  A package of paper for our printer.  The rows and rows of paper overwhelmed me, but an employee helped me, and I kept the tears at bay.  Thank God for yoga breathing.

I kept saying the mantra Eddie Bauer, because that was the entrance I had come in and I was afraid I would lose the car in the parkade.

I only got turned around once, but sorted myself out and even stopped at a kiosk to get my dear husband something little to wrap and put under the tree for him on Christmas morning.

I made it back to the car.

I made it out of the parkade and ultimately out of the parking lot and finally home.

I ate and immediately had a stomach ache.

I slept.

I woke up.

And I took the fucking orange pill.

I don't really know if it helps, but I think it blunts the edge of the stabbing pain in my heart.

So that was my day.  

I did get a swim.

 I did buy a few small Christmas gifts.

I even bought a pair of nice underpants with a gift card I had received from lululemon. (As an aside, who pays eighteen dollars for a pair of underpants?  Oh, that would be me.)

 I did eat a little bit.

And tonight I will knit a doll for a little girl or boy.

Maybe two.

It's something.