At 10am I finally got up, my stomach in knots. And no, that isn't a knitting metaphor.
I pulled down my anti-depressants, my vitamin d, my glutathione, and the little orange pill. I brewed the coffee, and sat down weeping.
I took all the pills with the first gulp of coffee, all except the little orange pill. I just sat there looking at it.
My doctor tells me to take it if I need it. I need it. But I don't want to need it. So I just looked at it.
We talked. We wept. My dear husband made me eat something - a little something. Then he asked me if I wanted to go to the pool
I put the pill back in the bottle hoping the swim would be enough.
It was a good swim. A peaceful swim.
When I left the pool I decided to go to the mall to get some things for Christmas. The parking lot was busy, but I hung in there and managed to get parking.
I found the store I was looking for, and even got a deal on what I was looking for. I found the second store, close to tears, but persevered and made the purchase. It was huge. What was I trying to buy? A package of paper for our printer. The rows and rows of paper overwhelmed me, but an employee helped me, and I kept the tears at bay. Thank God for yoga breathing.
I kept saying the mantra Eddie Bauer, because that was the entrance I had come in and I was afraid I would lose the car in the parkade.
I only got turned around once, but sorted myself out and even stopped at a kiosk to get my dear husband something little to wrap and put under the tree for him on Christmas morning.
I made it back to the car.
I made it out of the parkade and ultimately out of the parking lot and finally home.
I ate and immediately had a stomach ache.
I woke up.
And I took the fucking orange pill.
I don't really know if it helps, but I think it blunts the edge of the stabbing pain in my heart.
So that was my day.
I did get a swim.
I did buy a few small Christmas gifts.
I even bought a pair of nice underpants with a gift card I had received from lululemon. (As an aside, who pays eighteen dollars for a pair of underpants? Oh, that would be me.)
I did eat a little bit.
And tonight I will knit a doll for a little girl or boy.