Tuesday, December 15, 2015

The little orange pill

At 10am I finally got up, my stomach in knots.  And no, that isn't a knitting metaphor.

I pulled down my anti-depressants, my vitamin d, my glutathione, and the little orange pill.  I brewed the coffee, and sat down weeping.

I took all the pills with the first gulp of coffee, all except the little orange pill.  I just sat there looking at it.

My doctor tells me to take it if I need it.  I need it.  But I don't want to need it.  So I just looked at it.

We talked.  We wept.  My dear husband made me eat something - a little something.  Then he asked me if I wanted to go to the pool  

I did.

I put the pill back in the bottle hoping the swim would be enough.

It was a good swim.  A peaceful swim.

When I left the pool I decided to go to the mall to get some things for Christmas.  The parking lot was busy, but I hung in there and managed to get parking.

I found the store I was looking for, and even got a deal on what I was looking for.  I found the second store, close to tears, but persevered and made the purchase.  It was huge.  What was I trying to buy?  A package of paper for our printer.  The rows and rows of paper overwhelmed me, but an employee helped me, and I kept the tears at bay.  Thank God for yoga breathing.

I kept saying the mantra Eddie Bauer, because that was the entrance I had come in and I was afraid I would lose the car in the parkade.

I only got turned around once, but sorted myself out and even stopped at a kiosk to get my dear husband something little to wrap and put under the tree for him on Christmas morning.

I made it back to the car.

I made it out of the parkade and ultimately out of the parking lot and finally home.

I ate and immediately had a stomach ache.

I slept.

I woke up.

And I took the fucking orange pill.

I don't really know if it helps, but I think it blunts the edge of the stabbing pain in my heart.

So that was my day.  

I did get a swim.

 I did buy a few small Christmas gifts.

I even bought a pair of nice underpants with a gift card I had received from lululemon. (As an aside, who pays eighteen dollars for a pair of underpants?  Oh, that would be me.)

 I did eat a little bit.

And tonight I will knit a doll for a little girl or boy.

Maybe two.

It's something.


  1. It wasn't just something. It was a lot! Facing a mall when things can be overwhelming is difficult at the best of times but at this time of year it's a huge achievement. Yes it was hard for you but you did it. And on your own. You are strong but it's no weakness to admit that, sometimes, you need a little extra help. And if that extra help comes in the shape of a little orange pill...
    Your dolls are lovely. Who do you give them to?

    1. they are for the syrian refugee children, the peacekeepers to give to children where they are serving, and also I am making some for my nieces and honourary grand-daughters.

    2. I expect you'll make lots of them :)

  2. I love the dolls that you knotted. I think you did really well going to a busy shopping mall at this time of year. I got stressed just in he supermarket the other day. Keep up the yoga breathing and everything else that helps you get through the day.

    1. the picture is off the website, but I will post pictures of mine when they are completed.

  3. Great work... The little orange pill may be bitter but it is surely not the taste of failure ... You are not letting the heartache cripple or blind you. Wise. Strong. Brave. You are putting one foot in front of the other as you will be when the hummingbirds bring her home... I have faith in the power of your love...

  4. Your simple words exemplify the challenge of daily living in the modern world. Tasks that are easy for some are huge obstacles when suffering with depression and heartache. The celebration is that you were not overcome and could still recognise your achievements. I know many people who do not carry health burdens and even they struggle to face the shops at Christmas time! You have given us all an excellent example of the magnitude of the task before you and I want to say congratulations, for doing a service for everyone else battling the same or similar by voicing the issues but,most of all, to YOU for DOING IT! Well done. :-)


Add your thoughts....join the conversation.