Friday, August 4, 2017

Sometimes you can't fix the broken things

I spent half a day trying to repair a wooden laundry rack that had been my mother's.  It was a bit of a monkey puzzle, and for the dyslexic in me there was a lot of challenge.

It was hot.
I kept going back to it and finally figured out how it could go together, but many of the dowels were rotted and would take so much time (and frustration) to fix.

I didn't need the laundry rack.  I have a great one of my aunt's that I use to dry my clothes outside on these sunny hot days.

Finally I decided that enough was enough and I just had to let it go.

On the heels of that decision was to let go of another chair of my mother's that was in need of repair.

I loaded them both in the back of my car.

And the chair I gave my mother for her 65th birthday that has been in my carport for...years.

Time to let go.

Memories don't have to be tied up in things, and every time I saw these broken things it made me sad.

It made me think I should fix them.

But not everything is fixable.

There were other things in the carport and in the basement making me sad - and they could be recycled - so I took two trips to the recycling depot.

There are things in my life, broken things, that may not be fixable.

These things remind me of a Stephen Fearing song - As the Crow Flies

Driving through the dead of night
A hundred miles on one headlight
Movin’ on
There are times when you can’t see what’s up ahead
But you make your choice and you make your bed
Movin’ on
Try to heal the things you’ve broken
The words you left unspoken
Learn to say goodbye
Wait for when the moment’s golden
Choose the door that opens
Straight as the crow flies
Movin’ on, movin’ on
With the best of intentions you can lose the day
But you get back up and on your way
Movin’ on
‘Cause people will talk and tell you lies
They flap their lips right before your eyes
Movin’ on
Try to heal the things you’ve broken
The truth you left unspoken
Learn to say goodbye
Wait for when the moment’s golden
Choose the hand that opens
Straight as the crow flies
Movin’ on, movin’ on
Rising from the ash and the dust
You turn the key from hope to trust
And all those hurtful things that were said
Are in the past now look ahead
Movin’ on, movin’ on, movin’ on, movin’ on
Try to heal the things you’ve broken
Don’t leave the truth unspoken
Learn to say goodbye
Wait for when the moment’s golden
Choose the path that opens
Straight as the crow flies
Movin’ on, movin’ on
Driving through the dead of night
A hundred miles on one headlight
A hundred miles
A hundred miles
Movin’ on

I am trying to do this.  Trying to move on.  Learning to say good-bye.

This past month I have been searching for a book I can't find, a quote I can't locate, a jacket I have misplaced.

I am obsessed with finding these things and it is making me crazy(er).  I think that I believe if I can find these lost things then my life will be orderly and okay and all will be right with the world.

But the truth is there are some things I have lost that I will never get back.

There are people I have lost that I will not see again.  At least not in this lifetime.

There are words I have spoken that I cannot take back.

There are words that have been spoken to me that will haunt be forever.

There are bridges burned.

But this week I made some progress.  I got some things out of my way that have been making me sad.

That is good, right?

Yes, that is good. '

Movin' On.


19 comments:

  1. Hi Mary-Anne, I think that making the decision to move on is very good. You have to nurture your emotions and let yourself go through everything you feel, but there comes a point, like you said, some things you just can't fix. We only have one life here, and I personally find it a waste to lament too long over things we have no control. Don't get me wrong, I still cry now and then over the loss of my first 2 pugs (2011 and 2014)...when I think of how much I loved them, it makes me sad that they aren't with me anymore. But my 3 new dogs are the light of my life too. I let myself have my moment then concentrate on what I have in front of me. My grandpa left me his piano...I did my best to keep it...I had to move it everywhere I went (I was young and living in apartments back in the day)...paid for special movers, storage...until one day I got it looked at by a tuner. It would have cost another $1000 + to have it all fixed up. I had to let it go, I stopped equating the piano to my grandpa. It wasn't easy though! Hope you have a nice weekend, hugs!!

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    1. Ah yes. I have a lot of musical instruments that are like your grandpa's piano. Not ready to let them go....not yet.

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  2. You are so correct. We need to let things go that can not be fixed. When we moved my mom to a group home we had to dispose of many things. She to this day can not
    Understand why we did not keep everything. I tty to explain that it is just "stuff" and not the end of the wotld not to have it. I think I will print out the song and give it to her.

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    1. I bet your mom would love to hear the song too. Stephen Fearing has an amazing voice and writes beautiful melodies as well as heart and soul felt lyrics.

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  3. It can be hard to let go of things, especially those with memories but I'm sure you have lots of nice things that remind you of your Mum and broken chairs do not need to be kept. I kept lots of my Mum's things when we moved her into a nursing home. It didn't feel right to get rid of them as they weren't mine but she was beyond making decisions by then. After she died I found it easier to get rid of them just keeping a few mementos for me. But the best memories are in my head and nothing can touch those.

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    1. Yes the memories in our hearts are ours forever.

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  4. I think sometimes we do just have to let go, as we will sink deeper and deeper into the pool of guilt and inadequacy we dug for ourselves.
    I am glad you are moving on :-)

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    1. Yes, I think the pool is no longer over my head. Treading water is so exhausting.

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  5. Yes, that is good. When you are ready and if the things aren't fixable, then you have to move on. And that is good.

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  6. Props to you... I find making space for new memories is a valuable (if painful) pastime.
    And I need to do more of it.
    Fixing things can also be worthwhile, but, as you say, we need to choose which things with care.
    Thank you for another thoughtful, heartfelt post.
    I love how you make me think and feel.

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    1. You and I. The mutual admiration society.

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  7. That song has great lyrics - inspiring and philosophical. I had heard of neither the song nor the artist so thank you for introducing it to me.
    'Things' symbolise different ideas and values to different people, don't they? Some give a lot of sentimental value to all sorts of ephemera and others focus only on the functional aspects. Still others become obsessed with the monetary value of things. At the end of the day, what is most valuable in the bigger picture of life? To me, I place importance on life itself, health and happiness, love, relationships, nature, our planet in no particular order. Perhaps physical items become important when we attach them to our higher values.

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    1. Your reply is so thoughtful and kind and true. My favourite physical memory of my mom is a picture of her and me taken many years ago. It sits on the shelf beside my bed so I can see us in happier times.

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  8. P.S. Thank you for taking time to visit my blog this week after all the tricky times you have had recently. I am wondering how you are feeling today and hope every day gets better and easier for you in so many ways.
    Thank you for continuing to write thought-provoking posts on your blog. Hugs!

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    1. I have good days, better days and sometimes hard days. My new therapist is helping to me to recognize some things that have long needed to be acknowledged and ultimately healed. Thank you for your thoughts and care.

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  9. This sounds familiar.

    I still have many things of my mother's that are very hard to let go of.

    But, I'm slowly deciding what's worth keeping (like her spinning wheel), because not only are there memories and history, but it's also something that will be loved and used.

    Thank you for posting this. :)

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    1. You are welcome. So many of us are dealing with similar things in our lives. I keep the things I can use too like my mom's sald bowl, and my aunt's change purse. My grandmother's knitting bag and of course her needles!

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  10. Thank you for continuing to write thought-provoking posts on your blog.



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