Those wee small hours

December 18

I have taken to waking up around 3am and those are the prime hours for fretting. Last night was particularly bad because I was not feeling well, I had had a stomach ache all day and it seemed worse at 3am. Everything always seems worse at 3am. I was feeling scared, and, well, mortal. Since the moment I heard that I needed surgery my mortality has been front and center.

I finally fell asleep around 7 after a warm text exchange with my daughter and woke up around 10am. Normally I would keep these fears to myself and just move on with the day, but this morning I admitted my fragility, my fears, my worries to my dear husband. There were tears, and soft words, and after an hour or so we both got on with our day. I did dishes, sorted papers and reveled in the gorgeous sun shining into the kitchen. I changed the water in the hummingbird feeder, watched the juncos and black squirrel on the back porch railing and got caught up on paperwork and 'stuff', that had been weighing on me.

I made plans for later in the day, and, despite the four hours of fear in the middle of the night, today feels hopeful. I am enjoying this lead up to Christmas. No scurrying madly in the malls, no fretting about presents, no feelings of overwhelm, or exhaustion - at least not about Christmas. Perhaps it is because I am recovering from surgery and I am exhausted, but for more etheric and physical reasons than materialistic.

I saw the Paradise play yesterday - the first of a trilogy of medieval plays that Rudolf Steiner indicated. Tomorrow I will see the Shepherds Play performed by a group of delightful mentally challenged adults, and on Epiphany I will perform in the Kings Play (I am the angel!).
This is the first year I will have seen all three plays during the Christmas season. A silver lining to the surgery which postponed our intended camping trip down south. I have learned there is always a silver lining. Sometimes it is hard to see.

My best friend's birthday is today. My nephew arrives home from Montreal today. My son called yesterday and my daughter and I have a phone date for later today. I am surrounded by people I love and people who love me.

I will have to remind myself of this tomorrow at 3am.