Friday, March 13, 2015

OK

I have a good friend and when I see her and she asks me how I am if I say ok she says:

"Oh, you and your oks".

Sometimes my sister asks me how I am and I say OK, and she says:

"Liar"

They are both right.

Sometimes I say I am OK when I am clearly not OK.

But I say OK, because

a) I don't want to go into it

b) If I go into it I will start crying and I don't want to cry

c) Sometimes I can't find the words to go into it

d) Sometimes I am just ok, and that is better than not ok.


I have had a hard week. I have been subbing in a class with some children who have, to put it mildly, challenges.

I wasn't up to the challenge.

It made me mad. At them, at their parents, at the school, at myself.

It made me sad. For them, and for all the children that I think the education system and society has, and is, letting down.

I wanted to blame someone.

Anyone.

Everyone.

I blame myself.

For not doing a better job this week.

For not doing a better job for the thirteen years I taught at the school.

For not doing a better job for my own children.

So.

If you see me this week and ask me how I am doing.

If I say OK.

I am lying.

I am not OK.

I will be.

But not today.

9 comments:

  1. You should give yourself a break Mary-Anne as far as the challenging kids are concerned. I could never be a teacher, the kids would break me! You are a wonderful, and talented woman OK?!

    ReplyDelete
  2. You should give yourself a break Mary-Anne as far as the challenging kids are concerned. I could never be a teacher, the kids would break me! You are a wonderful, and talented woman OK?!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I hear you with the challenging kids. Sometimes having the courage to go back in means that you are, indeed, ok. Showing up means you care enough to be there even when it's far from ok. I too take it personally, rail at the stakeholders, and then think "I am enough". And so are you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A good mantra. I am enough. Thank you.

      Delete
  4. Better schmetter.... The crap teachers don't even notice. The shitty teachers go home and never feel guilty or upset or responsible.The lousy teachers never wonder how the world could be better for these kids with issues not born of themselves.
    You are none of those.
    You are gold.
    You don't FEEL OK. But "feel" is not who who you ARE. It's a direct consequence of who you are.
    You. Are. Gold.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, dear Wendy. Just. Thank you.

      Delete

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