I have a good friend and when I see her and she asks me how I am if I say ok she says:
"Oh, you and your oks".
Sometimes my sister asks me how I am and I say OK, and she says:
They are both right.
Sometimes I say I am OK when I am clearly not OK.
But I say OK, because
a) I don't want to go into it
b) If I go into it I will start crying and I don't want to cry
c) Sometimes I can't find the words to go into it
d) Sometimes I am just ok, and that is better than not ok.
I have had a hard week. I have been subbing in a class with some children who have, to put it mildly, challenges.
I wasn't up to the challenge.
It made me mad. At them, at their parents, at the school, at myself.
It made me sad. For them, and for all the children that I think the education system and society has, and is, letting down.
I wanted to blame someone.
I blame myself.
For not doing a better job this week.
For not doing a better job for the thirteen years I taught at the school.
For not doing a better job for my own children.
If you see me this week and ask me how I am doing.
If I say OK.
I am lying.
I am not OK.
I will be.
But not today.