Friday, November 3, 2017

I just wanted to say

Day three of the editing process.  This is not easy.  Not easy at all, but I am getting more comfortable with the flow of writing everyday so I can thank Nanowrimo for that.

Here is today's excerpt:

She opened the journal and smoothed the white paper with her hand.  Starting a new journal was always a momentous occasion.  She didn't want to write a to-do list.  Too mundane.

Instead she thought back to a writing exercise she had heard about once upon a time. 

Step One:  Set a timer for ten minutes. 

She at least knew how to do that on her smart phone.  Done.

Step Two:  Start writing beginning with the words “I also wanted to say....”

She picked up the pen, pressed start on the phone, took a deep breath and began:

I also wanted to say that I am sorry.  I am sorry for the hurt I have caused you and for the times I wasn't there for you because I was trying to be there for myself.  You have criticized me for being afraid of confrontation and I am.  I am afraid.  I am afraid people will leave me.  I am afraid people I love will die.  I am afraid of what will happen to those I leave behind. I am not afraid of what will happen when I die.  I believe it will be more than nothing.  I believe it will be a great adventure.  And if I am wrong, if there is nothing, it won't matter a whit.

I also wanted to say that the stupid to-do list haunts me.  I have good intentions.  I plan to do that one thing I put on the list every month, and yet every month I fail to get it done. 
It.  That. 

I also wanted to say that I hate having to take the pink and grey (grey and pink) pills, but in the past I was not strong enough, smart enough, brave enough to stop.  It all goes back to the to-do list and maybe if I succeed in stopping (maybe I will just take the grey side, or just the pink side) then the to-do list will be done once and for all. 

Maybe the pill is like the cake in Alice and Wonderland.  One pill makes you larger and one pill makes you small.  So taking both pills should make you, what?  Average?  Medium?   I also wanted to tell all of them (the infamous them) that they shouldn't judge me for taking my grey and pink pills.  We all have our ways of coping.  Or not. 

She looked at the timer.  Eight minutes.  God, what was she going to say for two more minutes.   Another breath and she started again.

I also wanted to say that I am doing my best.  This is day four and despite the fucking migraine I am doing my best.  My.  Best.  
Tomorrow will be a new day.  
I will be hung over from the migraine meds, but it will be better.  
Even though it is Wednesday and even though Wednesday's child is full of woe, it will be ok.

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