Nanowrimo - Dear God

48,577 words in - almost there.

Dear God,

I visited your house today.  I was afraid you wouldn’t be there after all this time, but you were.  You are always there.

I spoke the corporate confession and was disturbed by the lines “we have sinned against thee
in thought, word, and deed,
by what we have done,
and by what we have left undone.”. By what we have done, and by what we have left undone”. I remembered a book a priest-friend had written entitled Disturbed by God.  I finally understand the feeling.

I have been leaving many things undone for some time. 

And I realize that that has been a good thing.  I had thought I was weak because I wasn’t following through on my plans, but now I see that you, and my angels have been hard at work – disturbing my plans. 

You have been giving me patient hands.  You have been helping me to watch and wait, and not to be rash and do something I cannot undo. 

And, I realize, you have tried to come at me in different ways, less obvious ways, not so churchy ways.

The tarot, the horoscope, yoga, the lunches with old friends, the swimming, the fairy tales, the poetry – all of it was you trying to steer me to safer ground.

And you have.  You have not forsaken me, not even when I forsake you. 

And for that I am glad.

So here is my vow.

My to-do list as it were:

Tomorrow I will call the doctor and I will agree to see the new psychiatrist and try some new medications.

Tomorrow I will call my sister.

Tomorrow I will talk to my husband.

Tomorrow I will promise that there will be more tomorrows.

They will involve swimming and yoga, friends and walking, knitting and tea, my children and my husband.

They will involve you, and sometimes church.   And my angels.

Tomorrow I will get up and do my chores like it is any other day.  I will feed the cat, annoying as he is, and I will look forward.

Tomorrow I promise that any to-do list I make will be about going forward.

After all, it is the first Sunday of Advent.  Advent is the root of the word adventure.  This life, my life, is an adventure – for all its ups and downs and downs and downs.  Still and all it is an adventure.

This I promise, so help me God.

Me