H is for Heart

 A to Z(ed) blogging Challenge - (my) Life in the TIme of CoVid-19 

H is for Heart

This will likely be the hardest post to write and publish.  I tried to avoid it.  I could pick other H words.  Healing, Havana, even Hot Water Bottle cover.  However, on top of everything else this pandemic has thrown at us all, I have been dealing with my heart since August 2019.  Things really ramped up just as news of CoVid-19 was arriving in January 2020. 

My logbook is filled with notes from Respirologist, Cardiologists, and my GP.  There are appointment details for MRI's, CT Scans, X-rays, Blood Tests, sleep studies, Broncoscopies, Echo-Cardiograms  and Ultrasounds.  

In August 2019 I mentioned to my doctor that I heard a rattling in my chest when I was lying down to sleep at night.  An x-ray showed fluid around my heart, which led her to ordering an Echo. 

Early January it was confirmed that my heart was not pumping the blood volume it should.  48% instead of 60%.  I was referred to a cardiologist, but while waiting for that appointment I had a serious dizziness episode while grocery shopping and I ended up in emergency for soooo many tests that led me to an internist because my heart and lungs were showing some issues. After she ran some tests she referred me on to a cardiologist.  

And so it began.  Wearing a holter monitor for 24 hours, going to the hospital for some adrenal test which involved injecting me with something and then taking a blood sample every thirty minutes for a couple of hours.  I have had ALL the tests and nothing has shown up to explain my heart not pumping normally. 

Idiopathic cardiomyopathy.  Meaning they don't know why.  I still have yet another specialist to see who may (or may not) order a PET Scan.  I am now on two medications to help my heart.  Medications that are usually given to people with high blood pressure.  Ironically I already have very low blood pressure so I have to be careful getting up too quickly from sitting or I can get quite dizzy.  Hmmmm....isn't that what started it all a year ago January?

They tell me my heart is enlarged.  So apparently I  have a big heart, as well as a broken one. 

There are so many heart expressions we use in our daily lives. 

• to be warm-hearted, cold-hearted, hard-hearted
• heart felt
• we tell people to 'have a heart'
• we refer to someone as being 'all heart'
• heartbreak
  
  

I am sure you can think of many more.  

Me?  I just wait for my next appointment.  After hearing three days ago that my heart function hadn't improved despite the medication I have been on, and all the walking I have been doing (including a lot of hills) I wept for a good hour. 

And then?

Then I said outloud to myself "Fuck it".  I put on my big girl panties, and went for a four and a quarter mile walk.  

I admired the flowers and avoided the aggressive birds.   (No really - check out the sign I saw on my walk).

My mother always told me that my problem was I wore my heart on my sleeve.  Maybe there is some truth in that and I should put it back in my chest where it belongs.