November 6 - Better, Worse, No difference

In the past when I have been with my naturopath she has poked and prodded until she finds just the spot that sends my pain meter to a sharp ten.  Then she does something and asks me if the pain is better, worse or no different.  If I said worse she would move and do something different.  If I said better she would stay on that spot and tell me to let her know when the pain went away. 

I sometimes lied that the pain had gone away.  It seemed like it was taking too long, and I just wanted to move things along. 

Often I couldn't tell if it was better, worse, or no different.  I would often guess.  Or lie. 

Today I was at a different practitioner and as she moved around by body she would ask me how it felt.  I didn't know how to answer and often said 'ok, I guess', or 'I think it feels warm, or cold.'

Maybe this is why first my arm and now my hip are yelling so loudly at me this year.  There is no guessing, no 'okay', no 'I don't know'.  I hurt and I want to not hurt. 

My body is saying Pay Attention.  I am paying attention, now. 

I have thought that if I reach out for help I need to know what I am asking help for, or I need to know what I need.

Putting the cart before the horse I think.  Maybe it is just enough to know I hurt, and to know I don't want to hurt.

I will try instead to 'look for the gap', wait for the opening, and allow the process to, well, proceed and be open to the insights they may come towards me. 

Perhaps it is just enough, for now, to admit I am lost, and trust that I will be found again. 

Trust.

Now there is a concept.

better?  worse? no difference?